


Dreams and Desperation

by jasmineisland



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-13 15:32:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 22,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasmineisland/pseuds/jasmineisland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.<br/>The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a path of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late.<br/>Warning: Major character death- NOT permanent</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
  
** Dreams and Desperation  **

Title: Dreams and Desperation

  
Artist Name: http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/  
Lind to artwork: [Art](http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/182003.html)  
Genre SPN Gen  
Rating: R  
Pairing: N/A  
Word Count: 21,512  
Warnings: Major Character Death- not permanent  
  
Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.  
The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a path of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late.  


This is my first big bang, and I was really excited and nervous about getting a stranger to do artwork for my story. But my artist is awesome, and she really  came through and the artwork captures the story perfectly.

BIG thanks to my unwitting beta http://spnlvr76.livejournal.com/ for listening to my babbling, theories, and putting up with all my rambling and typos.

  
  
  
  
  


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

[ ** Dreams and Desperation  ** ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html)   


_Turning to Dean with a completely hopeless look on his face, Cass pulled the amulet from his pocket. “I don’t need this anymore. It’s worthless.”_

_As he turned away, Sam called out to him, but he angel was gone. Angry again, or still, Sam turned to Dean. The look on his brother’s face as he stared at the amulet scared Sam. “We’ll find another way. We can still stop all this, Dean.”_

_“How?”_

_“I don’t know, but we’ll find it. You and me, we’ll find it.”_

_The way the older Winchester looked at him, Sam knew he didn’t believe one word Sam had said. Walking past his brother, Dean never looked at him. As he reached the door, he stopped. Holding his arm out, Dean waited until he was sure he had Sam’s attention. Without another sound, he dropped the amulet in the trash and walked out the door._

It had been a week since then, and Sam couldn’t stop hearing the sound of the most precious thing he’d ever given his brother landing in the trashcan. He laid awake and listened to Dean breathing. The sight of the amulet falling in the trash can had delivered the desired effect Sam guessed Dean had aimed to get. It had been all Sam could do to not fall to his knees after watching his brother leave the room. For one panicked moment, Sam had thought the next sound he would hear would be the Impala pulling away, leaving him alone again.

What Dean didn’t know was that Sam had picked up the amulet before exiting the room. It was wrapped in paper, hidden at the bottom of his duffel. Not because Sam believed his brother would ever wear it again. Now, instead of a symbol of their bond and love for each other, it was now a reminder to Sam that he had, yet again, failed his brother. He had finally pushed his brother past his breaking point. It was now yet another symbol of how much damage Sam had managed to inflict.

Recrimination and self-loathing were about all Sam felt when he was forced to look in a mirror these days.

But the entire death trip to Heaven had been playing in Sam’s head for five days now. Nothing about it added up, but Dean’s method of communication with Sam was back to the same grunts and glares that had been his only response after Lucifer had been released. So anytime Sam had tried to broach the subject, Dean had responded with nothing more than a warning to shut up.

Making a decision, Sam quietly got out of bed, threw on the jeans he’d dropped beside the bed earlier, and grabbed his phone. Hitting speed dial as he left the room, he didn’t realize Dean’s eyes were tracking him in the dark.

After hearing Sam’s whisper into the phone “Hey, it’s me. I need to see you now.”, Dean stood.

The sight of Sam whispering into his phone as he snuck out was the final straw for Dean. Too many times he’d watched his brother sneak, whisper, and lie about what he was doing. Too broken from hell, Dean had let it go, hoping desperately his brother would be able to pull himself back from whatever edge he was hanging from. That thinking had brought on the Apocalypse. But now, with his brother having set Lucifer free on the entire world, Dean was just too fucking tired to deal with anymore Sam Winchester drama. Whatever his little brother had fallen for this time, he was on his own. Apparently that’s how the younger man wanted it, anyway.

The anger and mistrust had been brewing since the fight before the end of everything boiled over. The constant betrayal and backstabbing had left a strong distaste for Sam in Dean’s mouth. Heaven was only the final straw for an already stretched thin string that held them together. And now that Sam was apparently back to his old tricks, Dean had enough. It was time to cut his losses for good.  
  
  


“Why do you want to see me?” Cass stared at Sam.

Gesturing to Cass to move away from the room, Sam leaned against the wall and sighed.

“I don’t have time, Sam.” Cass actually sounded irritated with the young Winchester.

“Something doesn’t add up, Cass.”

“Something?”

“The whole death stairway to Heaven.”

“What’s not to make sense? You got an answer.”

For a moment, Sam wondered if Cass would have been as irritated with Dean. Then he realized the answer would most likely be no. “I went to heaven.”

“You were dead.”

“No shit, Cass! I know what dead feels like. And how much of a freak I am for being able to say that.”

“Then get to the point.”

“Goddammit, Cass! THAT is the point! I’ve read hundreds of versions of the Bible, Koran, almost every version for every religion. And I’ve NEVER seen anything in any of them that even suggests an- abomination- your favorite nickname for me- has a chance of getting into heaven. Ever.”

The look on Cass’s face told Sam he had the angel’s attention. “Sam, I’m no longer privy to-“

“I tried to make a deal, Cass. When Dean was in hell I begged half a dozen cross roads demons to trade places. Some laughed, some said Dean was right where Lilith wanted him. But a couple of them told me that no demon would trade for something they already owned. MY SOUL! They were talking about my soul belonging to Hell!”

“That makes sense. Azazel claimed you with blood.”

“So, again, how the fuck did I get into heaven?”

“You shouldn’t have.” Cass’s voice no longer sounded remotely irritated. It was more of the flat, emotionless tone that Sam associated with the angel. “Your demon blood would be a disruption to the order-“

“What does that mean? Disruption?”

“It would be a dark force-“

“Like a black spot on a white cloud?”

Cass stared at Sam for a moment. “I don’t quite understand that reference, but I do believe it is close.”

“So Zach knew where I was?”

“Most angels would.”

“FUCK! He LoJack’ed me!” The anger Sam constantly felt running through his body turned to rage. Curling his fists in an uncontrollable desire to hit something, the tall hunter paced back and forth in front of the angel.

“I don’t understand-“

“Zach brought me up there so he could keep an eye on Dean! That light never showed up until after he found me! That whole hunt and chase was bullshit!” Lashing out, Sam kicked a small bush, not feeling the branches dig into his bare feet. “Son of a bitch!”

“I believe you are correct.” Cass was unfazed by Sam’s outburst. “I do not understand what Zack had to gain but pretending to hunt for you.”

“Have you seen my brother?”

“No.”

“He’s done with me, Cass.” In less than a second, the rage left and Sam was left near tears. Pinching his nose between his eyes, he fought to keep his voice even. “I’m not saying he shouldn’t be. Anybody else would have been done with my sorry ass years ago. But this did it for Dean.”

“Dean is your brother, he-“

“He threw it away, Cass! Don’tyou get it? Christ, the look on his face when he dropped the amulet in the trash-“

“It was worthless, how can-“ When Sam’s hands hit the angel’s shoulders, the angel didn’t budge, but he stopped and stared at the young hunter.

Shaking his now aching arms, Sam sighed. “It was everything, Cass. Dean saw my memories in heaven and now he believes I’ve never loved him, that he was never important to me. He gave up, and that’s exactly what Zack wanted.”

“From what you saw in heaven?” The look on Cass’s face told Sam that he was finally beginning to understand.

“I kept trying to figure it out. What I saw. Yes, it was my first real Thanksgiving, at least what I thought it should be. Even my first kiss, but how I got there sucked ass. Not exactly a great memory.”

“Heaven is eternal peace, good memories-“

“That’s what Ash and Pamela said. Greatest hits. Woodstock. String Theory.” Sam began to pace back and forth in front of the confused angel. “They were at peace and happy. But they belonged there. They were stupid enough to try to help us and they ended up dead for it, but they were happy. They were reliving their best memories. Ash was the heaven version of the fucking C.I.A, eavesdropping on angels and jumping around to different heavens. So I thought….. DEAN thought….. his memories…… I kept seeing these memories and trying to figure out why I was seeing them. I enjoyed the dinner even though I was fucking nervous, and, yeah, and I damn near came when she kissed-“ Remembering he wasn’t alone and was talking to an angel, Sam cut himself off. “But I was only there because she caught me dumpster diving at school the day before. Dad and Dean were missing. Not a great memory-“

“Dumpster diving?” Now Cass’s voice sounded confused.

“Looking for food in the dumpster. Not the point, Cass-“

“Had you thrown your food away?”

Now Sam’s voice was laced with irritation. “no, Cass. I was broke. Dad and Dean were on a hunt. Supposed to be overnight, but ended up being almost a week. Dean had just started hunting with Dad, and they were late getting back. THAT’S what I mean. My father and brother were missing, I was twelve, and in my mind they could have never been coming back. I’d spent all the money because Dean had never been late getting back- I was scared they were dead, pissed off that maybe they weren’t and just hadn’t called me. I was broke, and hungry. Now does THAT sound like a memory that heaven should make me re-live?”

Cass didn’t answer, but another thought occurred to Sam.

“It was all a mindfuck. Zach put this whole thing together to push us apart. That Thanksgiving was the first time Dean had really let me down. I mean, in my mind back then. Wasn’t his fault, but Dad disappeared for days all the time. It was the first time Dean had ever done it. It hurt. So this cute girl catches me looking in the dumpster for something to eat and she tells me to come over for dinner.” Sighing, Sam leaned against the wall and stared at Cass. “I told Dean it was my first normal Thanksgiving. I don’t even know if he remembered why I was there. Shit!”

Again, Sam took his rage out on the unsuspecting bushes lining the sidewalk. Even as three of them fell, they left cuts and scratches on the young hunter’s bare feet. “Son of a bitch!” Yanking an offending twig out of his foot, Sam ignored the blood that flowed onto the concrete. “How did I miss this? Ash told us. The fucking angels knew we were there. They were looking for us. How could I fall for it? The best memories in my life were me with a bunch of strangers? Being kicked out of my family? It was all bullshit. Why didn’t it occur to me then that there’s no way in hell my greatest hits wouldn’t have been with Dean or Jess?” As if someone had cut Sam’s strings, he dropped to the ground and sat on the curb. “The worst night of Dean’s life. That’s what he said. And now thanks to Zach, he thinks it was one of the best of mine.”

For a moment, the angel pondered everything Sam had said. “What do you believe Joshua to be?”

Sam realized that Cass wanted desperately to believe that Joshua’s declaration of God’s abandonment was a product of Zach’s manipulation. Sadly, the Winchester shook his head. “I think he saved our asses from Zach. I’m sorry, Cass,” Sam was actually surprised to find that he really was sorry. “but I don’t think he was part of Zach’s shit.”

For a long moment, the angel and the hunter stared at each other silently. Finally Cass spoke softly. “I don’t have many resources now, but I can try to find out if you’re right.”

For a few minutes after Cass disappeared, Sam struggled to regain his composure. Then he headed back to the hotel room. He wasn’t sure what difference it would make a this point, but he really wanted to be able to prove to Dean that this final break between them had been Zach’s doing.

As soon as Sam turned from closing the door behind him, Dean’s fist slammed into his face.

“Who was it? Ruby’s really dead, right? She back?”

This time when Dean punched him, he was already against the door, so he face absorbed the full force of the blow. Stars exploded behind Sam’s eyelids and he couldn’t see his brother.

“I-“ the younger man couldn’t form words, but he took a step forward.

“Find yourself another demon bitch? Or are you just scaring down any demon you can find these days?” Charging him, Dean slammed his brother’s body into the wall so hard the breath left the younger man’s lungs.

This was it. Sam’s mind kept telling him that this was it. What he’d been expecting since hearing Dean’s voicemail before going after Lillith. He was about to be killed by his brother. And as much as he knew he deserved it, he wasn’t sure what had set Dean off. He was still talking, but Sam couldn’t make out what he was saying over the roar in his own ears while the fists continued to assault his body.

Convinced that Sam had called a demon, Dean felt the end of his patience snap. Throwing another fist, he only registered how good it felt to finally be able to punish his brother for everything. Ruby, lying, drinking demon blood, everything that his brother had done to him in the last year.

The fact that Sam didn’t even try to fight back only seemed to prove to Dean he was right about everything.

One more body slam was all Sam could take. He slid to the floor, drawing in a breath that was more of a strained gasp.

“Dean, I didn’t-“

“You didn’t mean it?! You’re sorry?! Doesn’t cut it with me anymore, Sam.”

“I’m sorry.” The younger man’s voice was a whisper, but it was the wrong thing to say.

Drawing his foot back, Dean kicked his brother. Seeing Sam curl his body in on himself to avoid the blows finally got through to him. He had never inflicted this much damage before. Realizing that he actually wanted to inflict more pain, Dean forced himself to step back. “I can’t be here, Sam. I can’t watch you go down that road again. I will end up killing you.”

His brother’s voice was choked with restrained tears, but all Sam’s mind registered was the words so close to that voicemail he still kept. Dean wanted to kill him. Still unable to draw a breath, all Sam could do was nod.

Grabbing the duffel bags he’d packed while Sam was outside, the older Winchester ripped open the door. Ignoring the loud thud it made when it connected with Sam’s prone body, he got in the Impala and pulled away.

For several minutes after the Impala pulled out of the parking lot, Sam focused on taking breaths. More to the point, Sam focused on not wanting to breathe. He wished Dean had just put a bullet in his head and finished him. Although a voice in the back of his head reminded him that Lucifer wouldn’t allow him that peace.

It was almost a half hour later before Sam could finally make it to his feet. Through the slits of two swollen eyes, he managed to make out his surroundings. His weapons were on the bed, his duffel where he’d left it, but the rest of the room was empty. Everything that even suggested that two people had inhabited the room was gone. Dean had left him a can of soda and one bottle of Jack on the nightstand. Pulling the top off the bottle, Sam threw himself on the bed that has been Dean’s. At first he told himself that his eyes were watering because he’d been punched. A lot. But after a few more tugs on the bottle, he stopped trying to convince himself of anything. Dean was gone. The hatred behind every blow was a reminder to Sam that he was gone for good. More than a few more long drinks and the quiet tears turned to sobs that wracked the hunter’s body.

[Chapter 2a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11709.html)


	3. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.

  
[ ** Dreams and Desperation  ** ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html)

Artist Name: http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/  
Lind to artwork: [Art](http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/182003.html)  
Genre SPN Gen  
Rating: R  
Pairing: N/A  
Word Count: 21,512  
Warnings: Major Character Death- not permanent

Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.  
The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a path of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late.

 

 

“’bout Goddamn time!” Bobby snarled at Rufus.

“That anyway to talk to a friend? A friend that you NEED right about now?” Rufus glanced pointedly at the wheelchair that he would have to lift into his truck.

Rufus accepted the slight shrug of Bobby’s shoulders as an apology. “I know you’re worried, but if you’re sure the boys survived Walt and Roy, they should be okay. I heard-“

“I know whatyou heard! Don’t need to hear it again. But I haven’t heard from them since then and neither one of those idjits will answer their phone. We’re going to start where your two assholes say they did it and go from there.” He didn’t mention to the other hunter that Cass wasn’t picking up his phone, either. It all spelled ‘not good’ in big capital letters to him. Something was really wrong with the Winchester brothers and no matter how big of a mother hen Rufus felt it made him, Bobby was going to find them.

The ride was quiet, both older hunters thinking about what little they knew. Rufus had called Bobby to tell him the news that Walt and Roy were bragging that they had taken out the Antichrist, meaning Sam. Apparently Dean had just been collateral damage in the sense that the two hunters knew Dean wouldn’t rest until they were both dead in the most painful way. Bobby knew that way would be more painful than any of them could begin to imagine if Dean ever caught up with them. Sam had been shaking when he gave Bobby even a vague description of what his brother had done to Alistair. He had no idea if Sam and Dean had been killed, but he also knew that Lucifer had promised Sam that no death would be permanent. There had been a nagging suspicion that Sam had already tested the threat by the way boy had informed him of it. Way too matter of fact for just a conversation to have taken place. And if Lucifer had the power to bring Sam back from death, it stood to reason that Michael had the same power. So even if Walt and Roy had succeeded in killing them, it probably didn’t stick. And wasn’t that the strangest thing that had ever gone through Bobby’s mind.

“Bobby, you have to realize we might not find anything? I know the cops had reports of gun shots and blood, but nothing else. Could mean that Walt and Roy….. you know….. disposed of them.”

“You don’t know shit, Rufus. There’s a whole lot more going on here then you know, but the Winchesters are not dead. You hear me? NOT. DEAD.”

“Yeah, sure, Bobby. We’ll find what we find when we get there.”

  


 

The only thought going through Dean’s mind on a repeat track was to get as far away from his brother as possible. He remembered telling Bobby that he didn’t know Sam, that the kid had never wanted to be part of the Winchester family. Like an idiot, he’d allowed Bobby to convince him otherwise. Not this time. Reaching for his phone, Dean turned it off. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Sam had chosen his path, and sooner or later Dean would have to say ‘yes’ to Michael to stop him.

The hunter drove for almost eight hours straight, stopping only for gas and a burger here and there. He’d stopped at that point, knowing he needed to catch a few hours sleep before he continued. But every time he’d closed his eyes, all he could see was his little brother, curled up on the floor, gasping and bleeding from the beating Dean had handed to him. He’d punched his brother before, bitch slapped him as a kid when he deserved it. But he’d never completely lost control of his temper like that before with Sam. That wasn’t entirely true, Dean had to admit to himself. He might have inflicted this much damage if Sam hadn’t kicked his ass the last time they’d fought. But the demon blood had definitely given Sam an advantage. No matter how much he’d hated that fight, he still had to remind himself that without the demon blood they would have been pretty evenly matched. Of course, without the demon blood, the fight never would have happened in the first place.

But that was why Dean kept thinking about the way Sam had stayed still and quiet, taking the beating with nothing more to offer then another apology. Hadn’t even turned his head from the blows. Just stared at his brother until he couldn’t see out of his eyes, then stood without resistance until he’d fallen. Sam felt guilty, Dean knew that. He knew his brother was beating himself up ten times worse than the beating he’d received on a daily basis. He felt he deserved it. Snorting to himself, Dean shook his head. First time they both agreed on something in over a year and it had to be that. Stupid son of a bitch should have learned his lesson by now. But no, Sam just couldn’t let it go. He had to go back to the same shit that got them where they were.

Well, he could have his demon buddies. He could have his fucking Thanksgiving dinner while he was at it. Surrounded by his closest friends. Which happened to be demons these days. It was painfully obvious to Dean now how Sam felt. Guess his idea of the perfect day was nothing more than a memory best forgotten to his little brother. Sam. Not little brother. Not anymore. Not for a long time. Not Sammy. Sam. An overgrown son of a bitch who clearly didn’t give a shit about his family.

“Enough!” Yelling to himself, Dean actually smacked the steering wheel. Time to get over it and move on. Problem was he had no idea what to do next. Neither of them had formulated a plan for their next move before Walt and Roy showed up.

That was it. Dean actually smiled. Walt and Roy. That was his next move. Dean tried to figure out how to get a picture of their idiotic faces when he showed up, just as pissed off as he’d promised them he would be.

[Chapter 2 pt 2](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11882.html)


	4. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 2b

[Chapter 2a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11709.html)

Bobby and Rufus found the hotel easily enough, but no further clues. The police reports said nothing more than what the two hunters had already heard. Reports of gunshots, lots of blood, even some shrapnel that had gone through both victims and hit the headboard. But no sign of the shooters or the victims.

“Bobby, I hate to tell you, but sounds to me like Walt and Roy did exactly what they said they did. I’m sorry, I know how you feel ‘bout them boys. Hell, I liked them, too. Never did believe the shit those nutbags were sproutin’ ‘bout the younger one.” Rufus almost smiled. “Poured enough salt and holy water in the poor kid myself to tell you he wasn’t a demon.”

“I could’a told ya that before you tied him down.” Bobby still wasn’t over the mistreatment Sam had suffered at Rufus’s hands even after the boys had jumped in the car, no questions asked, when Rufus had called for help.Before the other hunter could even begin to answer, Bobby waved his hand. “I know. War was working on all of you. Even had Ellen and Jo going after each other. Doesn’t mean I’m not sick of those boys getting caught up in shit just because they’re trying to help.”

After a moment of silence, Rufus shook his head. “I’m not sure what else we can do here, Bobby. Only thing I see is we can track down Walt and find out what he did with the-“

“Don’t. Say. It.” Moving closer, Bobby stared up from his wheelchair. “Like I said, you have no idea what’s going on, and I’m not gonna be the one to spill what ain’t my story to spill. You’re just gonna have to go with me on this. Those boys are alive, and they’re in trouble. I’m gonna find them.”

“Okay. I’m with you. But where do we start to look? I mean, looks to me like someone, two someones, got shot up pretty good here. Even if they survived, they’re not up and around on their own. Someone had to have helped them.”

Bobby knew that someone was most likely Cass, but he couldn’t be the one to reveal to Rufus that they had an Angel working with them.

“No point in going after Walt at this point. Just wish I could figure out which way they’d head on their own.”

“My first guess would beyour direction. Isn’t that where they go when they’re in trouble?” Rufus shrugged.

“Not if they thought it would bring this kind of heat down on me. Damn idjits.” Not even for the first time today Bobby wished he could just get out of the chair and do this on his own. He didn’t want Rufus to find out just how much trouble Sam and Dean were really running from these days. “Can’t pick up a fucking phone and let me know where they are.”

Dean had started searching for Walt and Roy through traffic cams and security cameras in the area where he and Sam had been shot. He’d been able to trace them to an off ramp in Utah. From there he started hitting small gas stations, flashing an FBI badge and a photo he’d managed to get from the traffic cams. For a brief moment, he felt guilty that he’d taken the laptop that Sam had so carefully set up for their specific needs, but it was fleeting. Thoughts of Sam brought him nothing but anger anymore. And right now he needed to focus his energy on finding the two hunters that had tried to put an end to them. Actually HAD put an end to them. He really had no idea what he was going to do once he found them. Even now Dean didn’t know if he had it in him to actually murder two human beings, but at least an ass-kicking was coming their way. And a serious lesson in what happened to anyone that came after a Winchester.

He ended up in Mona, and from there it looked like he was going to find them. It surprised Dean to find out that he and his brother – not brother, Sam- had only been dead for a short time. Maybe a half hour. Long enough, apparently, for Walt and Roy to think they really were dead, but not long enough for the cops and paramedics to show up before they got out of the room and past the small town’s limits. So he was less than a week behind them, and it looked like that week wasn’t toolong for the trail to run cold.

A few well-placed questions and he was headed for a bar in Price that held promise.

Not long after Dean left the bar in Mona, a man that the Winchester had never noticed picked up his phone. When Walt answered, he stepped out the back door.

“You asshole! I don’t know who you think you put down, but none other than Dean fucking Winchester was just here, and headedyour way from what I heard.”

Walt almost dropped his phone. “Wasn’t Winchester. Couldn’t have been! We put them both down.”

“I’m telling you Dean Winchester is looking for you two morons. And he’s not looking like he wants to buy you a beer.”

“What about his demon brother?”

“No sign of him. If you did put him down, I’d suggest you just go out back and dig two holes, because-“

“I knew what Dean would do if we put his brother down! That’s why we shot him, too!”

Roy appeared at the back door with a questioning look on his face.

“Winchester.” Walt hung up the phone. “Dean’s headed our way.”

“Sam?”

“No sign. Guess we managed to get one right, at least.”

All the color drained from Roy’s face. “He warned us, Walt. He fucking warned us.” When the only answer he got was a confused stare, he moved closer to the other hunter and gripped his arm. “Dean told us that he’d come back and he’d be pissed.”

“You think we….”

“Shot the wrong one? What if Dean’s the demon lover and Sam’s been protecting him all along?”

“Fucking Winchesters!” Walt reached for the door. “We need to be gone when he gets here. He’s only about 2 hours out.”

Roy shook his head. “What if we can’t run? I mean, I’ve heard damn good hunters swear that everything Gordon Walker told them about Sam checked out. Tim and Reggie said he was fucking drinking demon blood for Christ’s sake! But we put big-ass holes in both their chests and DEAN is the one looking for us? Holy Shit! What if they got it all wrong, Walt?”

Walt didn’t answer. He was too busy heading for their truck to get the hell out of Dodge before Dean Winchester found them. He’d have a chat with Tim and Reggie later. If he was still alive.

  
[Chapter 3a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12147.html)   



	5. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.

[ ** Dreams and Desperation  ** ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html)

Artist Name: http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/  
Lind to artwork: [Art](http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/182003.html)  
Genre SPN Gen  
Rating: R  
Pairing: N/A  
Word Count: 21,512  
Warnings: Major Character Death- not permanent

Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.  


  
The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a path of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late.

Sam opened his eyes, well opened them as far as they would open since they were all but swollen shut, and looked around. The first thing he noticed was that the tile under his face was green and black. The second thing he noticed was that the black wasn’t a color choice. It was something really nasty that he should have been able to name. For a moment he searched his memory, but when the answer that came to him was mold, he decided it was time to try to sit up. For a few seconds, the thought of putting his face back down on the moldy tile was preferable to what he was feeling. The room spun, his head throbbed, and his entire body felt like one big broken bone. A sour smell permeated his foggy brain, and it took the man a few minutes to realize that the stench was vomit. He’d apparently been lying in it. From the looks of it, for a while, too. That thought almost started another round and he moaned. Realizing that getting to his feet was more than he could manage, he reached into the tub and turned on the shower. It took some serious maneuvering, but he managed to hoist his body over the side of the tub and squeeze his long frame into the short space.

Eternally thankful for the fact that at some point he’d removed his jeans, he allowed the water to soak through his disgustingly crusted boxers and wash the sour smelling residue from his skin. The feeling that something had literally died in hismouth was more then he wanted to contemplate at that point. Water would have to do for now, and he’d brush his teeth when he could be reasonably sure he could actually make it to his feet. For a brief moment, he wondered how he had managed to not suffocate himself, but then he realized that he actually might have. Not like alcohol poisoning or inhaling his own vomit would be enough to actually stay dead.

Moving slightly, Sam realized that it wasn’t the case. He had just drunk himself into a complete blackout. When Lucifer brought him back, he came back healthy. Right now his body hurt too much to be anything but healthy.

  


By the time Dean made it to Price, Walt and Roy had already left, but they hadn’t gone far. Dean knew in his gut he was close. The other patrons in the bar didn’t know either of the hunters, and were more than happy to exchange their last direction for enough to pay their bar tab. With the information, Dean headed east. He wasn’t about to give up. Besides, at some point in time he knew he’d have to say ‘Yes’ to Michael. This was the best way he could think of to kill some time until it happened.

[Chapter3b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12376.html)   



	6. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 3b

[Chapter 3a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12147.html)

Walt hung up. “Still no answer.”

Standing, Roy paced in the small room. “What do we do?”

“I say we take the fight to him. We need to stop running and fucking man up to the son of a bitch.”

“Not sure if that’s good, at least not until we figure out the whole story.”

“For all we know Tim and Reggie are dead. Doesn’t matter who’s protecting who on the whole Apocalypse thing, you know damn well Dean would take them out for kicking baby brother’s ass in Oklahoma.”

Roy turned and faced the other hunter. “You stop to think about that? If Sam was the one, why would he let them kick his ass? I mean,” He almost laughed. “He’s supposed to be the anti-christ and have demons at his beck and call. Gordon said he had these powers some demon gave him. Why the fuck would he just take a beating from those assholes? Seems to me they would have been roadkill if the kid was what they claimed he was.”

The words chilled Walt. “Far as I know, we’re the only ones to try to take out Dean. All the hunters that knew about this always said Sam. But we kill them both,”

“And Dean’s the one on our asses. Yeah, been thinking about that, too. How much you think they got wrong?”

Roy shrugged. “Not seeing a choice here. If Dean Winchester is after us, he’ll find us. I say we hide in plain sight and wait for him to come to us. Take him out again.”

“And what makes you think it’ll stick anymore than it did last time?”

“Salt, holy water, fire and a fuckin’ cast iron box 10 feet under.”

“What about Sam?”

“We don’t even know if he’s back in the land of the living. Worry ‘bout him after Dean.”

“If WE’RE still alive.”

Roy didn’t have an answer to that one.

“Have you reconsidered your answer, Sam?”

Glaring at Lucifer, the hunter tried to will himself awake. Apparently when he’d stretched along the bed to relieve his aching muscles he’d fallen asleep.

“Right on cue, my own fucking fallen angel is around to stalk me.” Trying unsuccessfully to make his fear with sarcasm, Sam stood straight and faced the smiling archangel. Sam knew that there wasn’t a whole lot Lucifer could do to him unless he let it slip where he was. And he wasn’t about to give the devil anything that might point in that direction. If Sam were being truly honest with himself, he had nothing else left to lose. He’d always heard that a man with nothing to lose was a man to be feared. It had never really made sense to him until now.

“You wound me. I wouldn’t call it stalking. I’d call it an attempt at getting to the chase.”

“The chase being you riding my ass.”

“You make it sound so crude. Like I want to take you home and fuck you.”

Unable to stop himself, Sam actually laughed. “If that was all you wanted, I’d probably just get it over with to get rid of you.”

“You know,” Lucifer moved closer until Sam was backed against a wall. “in your dreams, you shouldn’t look like this.” Gently, he tried to touch the bruises on the hunter’s face. “Who gave you such a beating that even in your dreams the bruises remain?” When the taller man continued to glare silently at him, he laughed softly. “Had to be big brother. I wore the bruises my brother gave me for what felt like a millenia. Even though I could heal myself, I chose to wear the marks he gave me. Much like you do.”

“None of your fucking business.” The words came out in a low growl that would have frightened any sane human. “If you insist on hanging around until I wake up, do it. Just shut the fuck up.”

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll want that once I tell you what I know and you don’t.”

Fed up with everything, Sam just shrugged. “I’m sure there’s a fucking truck load you know and I don’t. So unless it’s the secret to putting your ass back in your cage, I don’t give a shit.”

“You’ll care about this, Sam. You’re just like me.”

Sam shook his head almost violently. “No, I’m not.”

“Sam, Sam, Sam.” Lucifer said his name as if he were scolding a young child. “Yes you are. You’re the younger brother. Protected and loved. Until you weren’t.” He gestured at the bruises on Sam’s face. “But no matter what, if my older brother were in trouble? I’d do anything for him.”

“That’s a lie. You want to use me to kill him.”

“No, I don’t. He wants to use Dean to kill me. He threw me out, Sam. I never left on my own, so maybe you’re right that we’re not really that alike.” The words caused a brief flash of pain on Sam’s face. “But I do know that you would do anything to protect your older brother. Right?”

The hunter’s silence urged Lucifer to continue. “I know all about your recent… shall we say demise?”

“Murder.” Sam’s voice was flat.

“Murder. Zachariah pulled a fast one, there. I’m not even sure Michael knew about it until after. But I digress. My point is that the hunters aren’t giving up. Now that they know Dean is alive they are more determined to put a stop to him.”

Against his better judgement, Sam stared intently at Lucifer. “Stop him? Stop him from what?”

“Well, apparently they know Dean is back. And they’ve decided that all the others have been wrong about you. That Dean is the true threat. And they are preparing to take…. Shall we say drastic measures to remove him from the equation. Not very creative methods, or effective, but painful for your brother.”

Panic ran through Sam so violently it made him shiver. “Where are they?”

“That’s it, Sam. More fuel for the fire. Keep that rage. Take it out on them.”

“Just tell me where they are!”

“Of course. Wellington, Utah. Abandoned house in some suburb with the name Dune in it. You should be able to find it.”

“What’s the catch?”

“Catch?”

“Yeah. Save Dean? Not what you really want.”

“I won’t lie to you, Sam. I promised that and I will keep this promise. I know where they are. If you go after them I will know where you are. But it’s also the anger, Sam. The rage is coursing through you to make the men that murdered you and Dean pay before they try to murder him again. Helps my case. Go get them, Sam. You should hurry, Dean is hunting them as we speak, and they are waiting for him.”

Sam’s eyes snapped open and he sat up. A vague feeling of a hangover still rattled his prone body, but he ignored it. Picking up his cell, his finger hovered over the speed dial for Dean’s number. For a second his mind stopped it’s light speed rush and he turned the phone off. If Sam called Dean, his brother would go right towards the trap Walt and Roy were trying to set for him. He had to get to Wellington before his brother.  
  
  
[Chapter 3c](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12906.html)


	7. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 3c

   
[Chapter 3a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12147.html)  

[Chapter3b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12376.html)

 

Dean checked his phone and sighed. One unheard voicemail. For a second he was actually disappointed to see that it was from Cass and not Sam. Until he remembered everything that had happened. Even if Sam cared, he sure as hell wouldn’t be picking up a phone and calling Dean anytime soon. Hearing the short “This is Cass. Call me.” He hit speed dial and quickly told Cass where he was.

“I need to speak to Sam but he is not answering.” The angel appeared and looked around. “Where is he?”

“Not here.” The last thing Dean wanted to do was discuss Sam.

“Are you taking separate vacations again?”

“More like a permanent one.” At the confused stare, Dean shrugged. “Tired of watching him pretend he gives a damn. Tired of trying to hang on to something that-“ Cutting himself off, the hunter sat on the bed. “No idea where he is.”

“I wish to tell him what I’ve discovered about Zachariah.”

“Well, if you’re going to share with him, share with the whole class.”

“I do not understand that-“

“Will you for Christ’s sake, just tell me!” Dean’s temper was on a short fuse and he wasn’t above taking out the last few days on the confused angel.

“He was correct.”

“He. Sam?”

“Yes. Sam was correct in his assumption that your trip to heaven was orchestrated by Zachariah. He asked me to look into it when he called me a few nights ago.”

Any thoughts of Zachariah flew out of Dean’s mind. “A few nights ago? Sam called you?”

“Yes, he believed that your trip to heaven was nothing more than a manipulation by  
Zachariah to further his goal.”

“Wait, back up for a second. Sam called YOU a few nights ago? And neither of you told me. Why?”

“Sam felt that you would not be receptive to anything either of us would say on the subject.” Before Dean could even argue the point, Cass continued. “He seemed particularly upset that you had discarded the necklace that I had returned to you. He actually resorted to trying to attack me when I reminded him that it was worthless. I did not understand his actions.”

Dean understood perfectly. His mind was moving so fast that he actually had a hard time keeping up with it. “I fell for it. The whole stairway to heaven was a fucking set up!”

“I believe I said that.”

“I didn’t know it. I…. Cass, I….” It was almost a snapshot in his mind. Holding the amulet over the trash until he was sure Sam was watching. The silence in the room as it hit the bottom of the trash. He couldn’t even hear his brother breathing. That was because he probably wasn’t. “Son of a bitch!” Turning, Dean kicked the nearest thing, a trashcan.

The similar reactions between the brothers’ reactions wasn’t lost on the angel. “I would like to tell Sam this, if you know where he is?”

Now another image in Dean’s mind. His brother, lying bloody on the floor in a motel. As much as he knew he’d put a pretty bad beat down on the kid, he knew that his words had done far more damage. But not as much as he knew the way he’d discarded the amulet had most likely broken his brother’s heart.

  
“I have no idea.” Reaching for his phone, Dean shrugged. “Doubt he’ll pick up, but at least give it a shot.”

As Dean suspected, it went to voicemail. “Sam, listen, I…. shit. Sammy, call me.” He didn’t think that apologizing over voice mail would be the right way to handle this. He was going to have to suck it up and apologize to his brother’s face. Hopefully, Sam would hear it and at least call him back.

Taking a deep breath, he decided to try Bobby. Unlike Sam, Bobby picked before the second ring had finished. “’Bout damn time! Where have you idjits been?” His voice sounded farther away. “I told you, you they were okay, Rufus!”

Dean realized that Bobby had asked about both of them. “Long story. I was hoping that you’d heard from Sam.”

“Heard from Sam?” Bobby’s voice became instantly strained. “He’s not with you?”

“Same long story. I need to find him, Bobby.”

The older man couldn’t mistake the desperation in the Winchester’s voice. “I heard rumors about Walt and Roy. Been trying to get ahold of both of you since.”

“I was looking for Walt and Roy, but now I’m just trying to find my brother.”

“So….” Bobby really didn’t want to tell Rufus everything, so he decided to wait. “Rufus and I are looking for the two of you. Where are you?”

“Price, Utah.”

“Hang on.” Bobby had a short discussion with Rufus before returning to the phone. “We’re about six hours from you. We’ll head your way, you head south. We’ll meet up. Rufus has had about enough of dragging my ass around, anyway.”

Understanding Bobby’s reluctance to talk freely with Rufus, Dean agreed and ended the call. He turned to the angel, who had been silently observing. “Anything else about Zach and his bullshit?”

“I wasn’t able to discover much. As I told Sam, my resources are very limited now. But yes, Zachariah pulled you and Sam to heaven. He apparently did so without Michael’s knowledge. Due to the demon blood that Sam carries, he knew where Sam was at all times. I would presume that Sam was correct in the assumption that the specific memories you relived were intended to pull you apart. I believe Sam is correct with his evaluation of Joshua’s appearance not being connected to Zachariah’s plan.”

Dean had thought he couldn’t feel worse until Cass stopped speaking. Not only had Sam seen right through Zach’s plan, he’d tried on more than one occasion to tell Dean. The hunter realized that he’d fallen for the entire thing 100%. And used it to emotionally gut his brother before he kicked the shit out of the kid. Realizing the damage he’d done, Dean knew he had to find Sam. Lucifer was dogging him and his big brother had hung him out to dry.

  


Sam checked his map again. He was only four hours out of Wellington and he had a bad feeling about what was waiting for him there. He wasn’t naïve enough to think that it wasn’t all one huge setup on Lucifer’s part. Odds were that he’d find a hoard of demons with Walt and Roy.

While the black highway passed beneath him he allowed his mind to formulate different scenarios. None of them ended well for him. Best case scenario he got the drop on the hunters. If Lucifer was right, and he probably was, they planned on torturing Dean before killing him. Again. The thought that he had no guilt over taking out the hunters before they could get to Dean disturbed him a bit. Sam didn’t blame them for taking him out- he was the asshole that started the apocalypse. He pretty much deserved it, and he actually wished it had worked the first time. But Lucifer had no intention of letting him rest in peace, so he figured he’d just keep coming back until he got it right. And it wasn’t Sam they were after. It was Dean. That made the decision to hunt and kill them way too easy for Sam.

Maybe killing both of them wasn’t the smartest thing. Maybe he should make sure they understand that Sam is the true threat and let one of them go to let other hunters know. But they’d have to understand that going after Dean was a mistake that wasn’t forgiven.

For a moment, Sam wished he could actually call his brother. Just to hear his voice again. He knew even as much as Dean hated him now he’d never agree to this plan. Even angry and betrayed, Dean was first and foremost a protector. If he had any idea Sam planned on walking right into whatever Walt and Roy had planned? He’d probably find himself tied up and beaten to a bloody mess worse than the last time. Part of Sam wondered if that was fact or wishful thinking.

Shaking his head, the young hunter decided that if he was planning something that was beyond stupid and crazy for even Winchester standards, he better have some sort of idea of exactly what he was going to do.  
  
[Chapter 4](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13184.html)


	8. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 4a

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.

[ ** Dreams and Desperation  ** ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html)

  
Artist Name: http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/  
Lind to artwork: [Art](http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/182003.html)  
Genre SPN Gen  
Rating: R  
Pairing: N/A  
Word Count: 21,512  
Warnings: Major Character Death- not permanent  
  
Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.  
The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a path of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late.   
  
[Chapter 1](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11324.html)  
  
[Chapter 2a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11709.html)   
  
[Chapter2b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11882.html)    
    
[Chapter 3a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12147.html)    
  
[Chapter3b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12376.html)     
  
[Chapter 3c](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12906.html)  

When Bobby saw the Impala in the parking lot of the diner, he felt himself relax for the first time since Rufus had called. The boys were alive. As long as they were breathing, whatever had happened between them could be fixed. Before he could even move from the passenger seat to the waiting wheelchair, Dean was approaching.

“We need to go.”

“Good to see you too, kid.” Rufus’s voice was gruff, but he said nothing as Bobby pulled the Winchester into an awkward hug. Then he offered his hand out to Dean. “Glad to see you’re still among the breathing.”

“Thanks, Rufus.”

Bobby was as anxious to find Sam as Dean was, but he gripped the younger hunter’s arm. “Rufus never believed any of what they’re spouting ‘bout you and Sam.”

Surprised to find an ally in the jaded hunter, Dean offered a wry smile. “Appreciate the support.”

“You just keep your head down, Dean. Walt and Roy made one mistake. They won’t make another one.”

“I was working on taking care of that before-“ Cutting himself off, Dean wondered if Rufus would be as supportive if he knew Dean was considering actually killing two hunters.

“Way I see it, things will come down to them or you and your brother. And I’ve seen more from the two of you that puts me on your side then theirs.” Yanking Bobby’s duffle out of the back of his truck, he handed it over to Dean. “Take care of this old bastard.”

“Yes, sir.” Barely refraining from tapping his foot, Dean watched Bobby maneuver into the passenger side of the Impala before stowing the wheelchair in the backseat.

“Did you want me to grab you something to eat before we hit the highway?” Dean’s voice was still a bit shakey.

“No. I want you to tell me what the hell happened betweenyou two this time.”

“Zachariah.” Dean spilled the entire story, starting from waking up to find Walt and Roy holding shotguns on the two Winchesters.

As they sped back towards where Dean had last seen his brother, Bobby listened to the younger hunter. He wanted to kill Zachariah himself for what the bastard had done to the boys. It was all he could do not to smack Dean upside the head for the numerous conclusions the hard headed Winchester had jumped to. But the sound of Dean’s voice told him that the younger man was already beating himself up over what had transpired between him and his brother.

[Chapter 4b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13409.html)


	9. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 4b

  
[Chapter 4a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13184.html)  
  
Sam found Walt and Roy right where Lucifer had said they were. From a distance, he watched carefully to see if they’d actually laid out any traps yet for his brother. He couldn’t see any demons, but that didn’t mean anything. They were probably waiting for some sign that Sam had taken care of the hunter issue before they closed in on him.

Waiting a couple hours after it appeared they had decided to get some sleep, Sam finally ventured closer. As quietly as he could, he formed a salt ring around the perimeter to secure the house from demons until he was ready to deal with them. Checking the safety off the Taurus in his hand, the Beretta snug in the back of his jeans, and Smith & Wesson in a holster beneath his open button down, Sam drew his knife and kicked the front door in.

Before he could even step through, shots rang out. Firing blindly into the dark, Sam was satisfied to hear a shout of pain.

“Fucking shot me. Get the son of a bitch!”

Sam didn’t know the hunters well enough to figure out which one he’d shot, but he stayed out of the line of sight behind the doorjam.

“Come on, Dean. Can’t we talk about this?” The same voice, sounding strained. Knowing it was a cover for the other to move, Sam emptied the clip as he crouched down and moved inside. The darkness provided some protection as he tried to make out where the two hunters were. Switching out the Taurus for the Baretta, Sam continued to try to hear where his targets were moving before firing again. A few wild shots way over his head hit the wall and he moved to the back of the room. A muted groan alerted Sam to the presence of one of the hunters and he sent four rounds in the direction of the sound. A loud scream reached his ears and he knew he’d found his target again. But he’d lost track of the second hunter and a sharp jab in his back sent him flying into the wall.

“You get him, Walt?” Roy’s voice was strained.

Pain shot through Sam, radiating from where the bullet had gone in under his ribcage. Rolling he grit his teeth and moved to what felt like the back of a sofa. He tried not to hiss as he moved slowly across the floor. He could hear Roy panting and briefly wondered how many times he’d managed to shoot the hunter. A wall ended his movement and he leaned against it. From his earlier surveillance he knew there was a door close by where he was sitting. With Roy already down, Sam’s best option was to go outside and close in on Walt from a better vantage point.

It was too late before Sam realized his miscalculation. A bullet hit the door in front of him and he backed up, but not fast enough. Another bullet ripped into his side and he slammed into the floor. Moving away from the origin of the bullet, he sent a few bullets of his own again. The Baretta was running low and he reached for the Smith & Wesson. Extra clips took too long to reload as a few more shots came past him.

“Come on, Dean. Let’s just deal with this.”

Sam realized the time to let them know who they were dealing with had come. “You were planning to kill my brother again and you think I’m going to just forget that?”

“Sam?” Roy’s voice betrayed his surprise.

“Wow. Got it in two tries, asshole. Why do you-“ He was hit by a sudden rush of liquid that he instantly recognized as gasoline. “Fuck!” They were going to burn him. Sam fought back a cough and when his mouth filled with blood, he realized it was now or never. If the bullets killed him before he got Walt or Roy, they’d be gone before he woke up. His heart was pounding, a lifetime fear of fire kicking into high gear. Moving as fast as he could, Sam dove towards his best guess of Walt. Another shot rang out but grazed his shoulder before he impacted with the hunter. Even as they hit the floor, the men knocked over two more cans of gasoline that Walt had been intending to douse Sam with.

A bright beam from a floodlight hit the men. Sam could barely hear Roy’s voice over the blood pumping in his hears. “Walt! Give me a clear shot, man.

With the final reserve of his strength, Sam punched Walt, dragging the nearly unconscious hunter in front of him. The light of the floodlight showed Sam that the gasoline has spilled and was quickly covering the entire floor of the house.

“You were going to burn my brother?” Spittle in the form of blood sprayed from Sam’s mouth as he spoke. “You were going to fucking burn my brother alive?”

Roy was holding a gun and pointing it in Sam’s direction, but he couldn’t get a clear shot with Walt still motionless in front of him.

“You sons of bitches! Put that fucking gun down, NOW!” Reaching into his pocket, Sam pulled out a lighter. Dean’s lighter. “I’ll fucking light us up.”

“You can’t. You light that and you won’t have time to get out.”

“Who says I want to get out?” Sam’s voice was down to a whisper. He was fading fast and he knew it. But he had to make sure Dean was safe from this. From the fire they intended to kill him with.

“You’d kill yourself to get back at us?” Realization dawned on Roy. “You’ll come back again, won’t you? Fucking demons, both of you. Should have buried you both side by side in a hole so fucking deep you wouldn’t be able to crawl out. You and your hellspawn brother will just keep coming back.”

Hazel eyes met Roy’s and it made the hunter’s blood run cold.

“I can honestly say I wish I wouldn’t.” Sam ignited the lighter and dropped it.  
  
  
  
  
[Chapter 5](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13586.html)


	10. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.

  
[ ** Dreams and Desperation  ** ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html)   


  
Artist Name: http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/  
Lind to artwork: [Art](http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/182003.html)  
  
Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.  
The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a [path](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html#) of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late. 

Bobby and Dean had been on the road for several hours before Dean’s cell rang. Hoping it was his brother, Dean grabbed it quickly and answered without looking. Again, he was disappointed to hear Cass’s voice. As soon as the angel told him that he had news of Sam, Dean told him where they were.

Cass wasn’t known for his displays of emotion, but the look of almost apprehension on his face made the other two men get out of the car and approach the angel.

“Where’s Sam?”

“I got a call from a woman who claimed to be a police officer in Wellington, Utah.”

“Wellington? What the fuck is he doing there? I was in Price….” It came together in Dean’s mind. “He’s in jail, isn’t he. He found Walt and Roy.” Turning to Bobby, the Winchester sighed. “He went after them, too. And got caught. Didn’t he?”

“I do not know if he went after them.” The angel’s voice was steady. “I received the call because my phone was the last number called on the phone they found.”

“They found?” Dean reached out and gripped the trench coat. “What do you mean they found?! God Dammit, Cass, will you fucking tell me what’s going on with Sam?”

Knowing Dean couldn’t hurt the angel, Bobby made no move to stop Dean’s tirade. He was sick of the whole scenario himself.

“A house burned down. There are three bodies and the authorities believe one of them to be Sam.”

That sentence took Dean’s breath away. “Bodies?” His voice was a whisper. “Sam’s….. body?” The thought that his brother was dead was too much. Before his knees could completely buckle, the angel gripped his arms. “The body could very well be Sam, but he will not stay dead, and you know it.”

“He’s right, Dean. You’ve both come back before. Lucifer will bring him back again.” Bobby didn’t voice the suspicion that Sam had already been brought back more than once.

“We need to turn around and get back to Utah.” Dean nodded. “How long do you think Lucifer will keep him down this time?” He couldn’t bring himself to use the words ‘Dead’ and ‘Sam’ in the same sentence, temporary or not.

“I have no way of knowing that. As you know, the last time was only a short period of time, but that was Zachariah.”

“So he could, what, keep him somewhere until he’s ready to send him back? Will he have Sam?” The possibility of Lucifer having his brother for even a second was too much.

“I do not know, Dean. I am not in the position of knowing any angel’s plans, much less Lucifer’s.” Moving to the back seat, Cass continued. “My suggestion would be to get back to Wellington, retrieve Sam’s body if it is still in the morgue, and wait.”

Before Bobby could say a word regarding the fact that Sam was more to them then a corpse to be claimed, Dean was out of the car on his knees. Sam. The morgue. Sammy burned. He burned to death. Lucifer might have him. Unable to stop the thoughts running through his mind, Dean tried desperately to breathe between dry heaves. Fire. The one thing that all Winchesters feared. Was he alive when he burned? Conscious? The fact that Sam was alone, possibly terrified and in agony when he died was too much for the older brother to handle. Sammy had burned alone because Dean had been too busy falling for yet more angel bullshit to stop and listen to him. 

Once again, Bobby cursed his legs for being unable to carry him to the younger hunter’s side. “Cass, can you do SOMETHING to help him?”

Nodding, the angel moved to his friend and kneeled. Before his fingertips could reach the hunter’s forehead, Dean reached out and gripped his wrist. “Don’t you fucking dare.” His insides felt like they twisted a few more times before Dean could actually take a breath.

“I was only trying to-“

“I know what you were trying to do. I don’t have time for your angel knock out shit. We need to get to Sam.”

“Cass?” Both of them turned to Bobby. “Can you zap us there?”

Dean shook his head. “Might need weapons. Odds are the other two bodies are Walt and Roy. And Lucifer is going to send Sammy back. No way of knowing if there are other hunters involved or how many fucking demons we might end up facing.”

Nodding, Bobby tossed a bottle of water from the front seat to the other hunter. Drinking it, Dean stood. “Cass, what did you tell the cop that called?”

“That I would retrieve his family and arrive there as soon as possible.”

“Good.” Calling information, Dean got the number of the Wellington PD. “You give them Sam’s real name?”

“Sam Winchester is his name.” The angel said it like he questioned any reason he wouldn’t have given their real names to law enforcement.

“Terrific. We’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“Give me the number.” Bobby handed Dean his phone. “No reason to alert the cops that both Winchester Brothers are alive and well.” He caught the flash of pain in Dean’s eyes. “He will be and you know it.”

It took about five minutes for Bobby to reach the police department. With them unwilling to give any information to someone claiming to be a possible victim’s family without proof, Bobby managed to determine that yes, one of the bodies did match Sam’s general physical description, and no, DNA had not been run yet. The police were very anxious for Bobby to arrive with something they could use to get a DNA match. Hanging up the phone, Bobby turned to Dean. “Far as the cops know, he’s still in the morgue. They have no positive ID yet. Buys us some time just in case he doesn’t get out on his own before we get there.”

“Break out your Fed ID anyway. The cops still have all of Sam’s stuff. Including God only knows how many weapons.” Glancing back at Cass, Dean continued. “Guess them knowing it’s Sam Winchester will come in handy when the FBI demands all evidence and personal effects.”

Bobby flipped through his wallet. “I’m guessing they won’t put up much of an argument. Especially if the body of the FBI Wanted Felon just gets up and walks away?”

For the first time since this started, Dean almost laughed.

Darkness was all Sam could see when he opened his eyes. For a few moments, he fought his surroundings, still believing himself to be on fire in the house. Something constricted his movements and he forced himself to calm down. Without knowing where he was, who or what had put him there, he knew his best chance was to not let anyone know he was back among the living.

Slowly he felt around and realized he was actually in a body bag. That was good, in the sense that body bag most likely meant he was in a morgue. With the bag being so constricted around his large frame, Sam had a hard time trying to unzip the bag from the inside. When he forced the tie holding the zipper, his arms slammed into something hard and he stopped. Getting the bag open didn’t allow any light that he could see, so he inched it down enough to get his arms out and felt around.

Panic almost seized him when he realized he was in a drawer. A drawer in a morgue. It wouldn’t take much for other hunters or demons to get to him with no salt to prevent it or no one watching to see if someone was going to kidnap or kill what they thought was a dead body.

Reaching above his head, Sam felt around the edges of what he thought was the door. It was smooth, with no hinges or handles. As pissed off as Sam was, he had to admit it made sense. No one but the Lucifer-chosen-freak that he was would actually be ALIVE in a drawer of a morgue. Another thought occurred to the trapped hunter. The seals keeping him in the drawer just might be airtight. Which meant if he didn’t find a way out he was going to die. Again. And even though the dead part wouldn’t stick, the suffocation was only slightly preferable to the burning that he still remembered.

Making a decision that was as based in panic as logic, Sam began to pound on the door. He started to yell, but realized that if he was correct in the assumption that the air would run out, he would use it up faster yelling. So he alternated fists and pounded on the door, keeping his breath even and ignoring the pain of his knuckles colliding with the hard surface above his head.

The air was starting to get thin, or Sam was beginning to vividly imagine it was getting thin. Either way he was having difficulty breathing and pounding as hard and as fast as he could before the door mercifully opened.

“Holy shit! How the fuck you get in there?”

Pulling himself out of the drawer, Sam fell to the ground. He’d never been so glad to see a janitor in his life. Standing, he took a few gulps of air before turning to the stunned man. “Thanks. Thought I’d never get out.”

“Why the hell were you in?”

“Long story.” Shrugging, Sam looked around. “How the hell do I get out of here?”

“Back door’s that way. Right past laundry, which might be a good idea?”

Looking down, Sam realized for the first time that he’d dragged himself out of the morgue drawer naked. More pissed then embarrassed, the hunter muttered. “Guess clothes aren’t part of the Lucifer resurrection plan.”

“The what?”

“Nevermind. Thanks. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.”

“Damn lucky your fool ass didn’t suffocate.”

Not replying, Sam ran into the hallway and turned into the laundry room. For once, he actually got lucky. He was in a morgue in the basement of a hospital. It took a few minutes to locate a set of scrubs that would actually pass for fitting him before he headed out the door into the night.

  
[Chapter 5b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13872.html)   



	11. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 5b

[Chapter 5a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13586.html)

When Cass opened the door for Bobby to enter the Wellington PD station, they were immediately ushered into the chief’s desk and left to sit. The Chief finally entered the room, looking like he wanted to be anywhere except where he was.

“I’ve been sitting here for almost a half hour, can you give me some idea how much longer it’s going to take?” Bobby was an expert at sounding just aggravated enough to get results without raising suspicion.

“Well, sir, the evidence is boxed and ready. All you need to do is sign the chain of evidence receipt when you remove it.” The phone rang. “Excuse me.”

The chief was quiet for a moment. “Nothing? Come on, bo- this can’t have happened. I want everyone Castleview can get down there looking! Now!”

Bobby had a feeling he knew exactly what had happened before he even asked the chief. “Problem?”

“Well, sir, it…. I don’t know what to say….. it appears……” Taking a deep breath, the chief stared at Bobby. “One of the bodies has been….. misplaced.”

It crossed Bobby’s mine that there was a chance Sam’s body had been stolen by hunters or demons, but Bobby wanted desperately to believe that the youngest Winchester had walked out on his own. “Misplaced? You MISPLACED a body?!”

“Well, it’s not where my ME swears he left it.”

“Where is the morgue? I’m going there NOW.” Bobby turned and pushed his wheelchair out of the office.

Actually chasing Bobby, the Chief pointed to one of his deputies. “Print out directions to Castleview. We don’t have a morgue,” He turned back to Bobby. “never had anything like this before. Send our dead up to Price to Castleview Hospital. ‘bout seven miles up the road.” 

The chief looked so flustered, Bobby felt a wave of sympathy for him. A population of 1600 people and three cops in all didn’t ever see the kind of scene he was sure the fire had left for them to sift through. Most people weren’t prepared for the kind of things hunters dealt with on a regular basis, but this town wasn’t even really prepared for the kind of things police officers in larger cities dealt with.

“You going to send your own team to the scene?” The chief sounded almost hopeful. “My fire department isn’t any more ready for this then we were. All they can tell me is that it looks like someone poured gas all over the place and dropped a lighter.”

That suggestion opened a whole new line of questions for Bobby, but he said nothing. When they caught up with Sam they would find out what happened. Gesturing for Cass to get the boxes, Bobby moved his chair towards the door. “I’ll see about sending a forensics team. I appreciate your cooperation, Chief.”

“I’m just as glad to hand this one off, if you want to know the truth.” From the actually relieved look on the officer’s face, Bobby knew it was the truth.

The three headed to the hospital, Bobby and Cass checking out the morgue while Dean discreetly scanned the perimeter. He was in the back, both looking for anything that would lead to hunters or demons, and looking for a possible escape route for his brother. Everything in the Winchester wanted to believe he was trying to find the best route for Sam to have taken upon exiting the hospital. Every time he stopped long enough to think about the fact that his little brother had actually burned he felt his insides trying to escape and he had to force himself to focus on the task at hand.

“Dean.” Cass’s voice interrupted the hunter’s thoughts. “Bobby is back at the Impala. This terrain is not suitable for his wheelchair.”

“So? What did you find?” They headed back to the car.

“It appears that Sam left the hospital very much alive and on his own. Apparently a janitor believed his location to have been some sort of prank and let him out of the—drawer?”

Drawer. Morgue. Body bag, maybe. Fire. Fire. Fire. That word was stuck on repeat in Dean’s mind. Sammy had burned, his charred body put in a bag and locked inside a steel drawer. Gagging back bile, Dean stared at the angel. “Can you tell who the other two were?”

That had been the first question Bobby had asked him. “Yes, they were the Walt and Roy that were responsible for your deaths before.”

“Sammy took them out.”

“That I do not know. They are burned to the point the police might never know who they were.”  
“Shut up!” Dean didn’t want to hear that. “I don’t want to know. Sam was with them! Do you really not understand that?”

“I understand that Sam burned to death and has already been resurrected by Lucifer-“

That was it for Dean. As the strength left his legs and he collapsed to his knees next to the Impala, Bobby glared at Cass. “I get it, you know, Cass? I get that Sam’s nothing more than an abomination to you. But you-“

“I consider Sam a friend.” Cass’s statement stopped Bobby. “You were correct when I first met him. I saw nothing beyond the taint of his demon blood. I stood with my brothers in condemnation of him. But I have now seen the struggle within him to fight that same evil that nearly consumed his soul. I desire to find him and protect him as I would Dean.”

The angel’s flat tone understated his words, but both hunters got the message. Once again, Dean took the offered bottle of water and stood. “Okay, so if Sammy busted out of a drawer, he would leave as fast as possible.”

“That would make sense. He is aware of the fact that there are hunters, demons, and angels after him.”

“Not to mention your big brother.” Dean held his hand up to stop Cass. “So he gets out the back door, cuts along that hedge, probably over that back fence.”

As the younger hunter pointed to the fence, Cass turned to him. “How do you know? Do you and Sam have some kind of connection that I have been unaware of?”

“We’re brothers, Cass. I raised him. Taught him everything I know about escape, which by default is everything he knows.”

Before the angel could protest, Bobby interrupted. “Trust him, Cass. If he says the kid went that way? The kid went that way.”

“So, he just woke up, so he might not be moving at full speed-“

“Dean,” Bobby’s voice was quiet. “What he’s been through, what he knows is biting at his heels? He’s running, and he’s running scared.”

Even though Dean knew his friend didn’t mean to sound accusatory, he knew exactly why his brother had been through what he had and why he was running scared. Why Sammy was out there alone, no backup, thinking no one gave a damn. Determined, Dean jumped into the Impala and drove around the until he reached the spot he believed Sam had climbed the fence to get off hospital grounds.

“He could have gone into those woods.”

“No.” Dean shook his head at Cass’s suggestion. “He’d stick close to the tree line to hide, but no way of knowing how deep they are or how far they run. We’re behind a strip mall. Depending on when he got out, he might have…… I need to find out if any of the stores here had a break in overnight. He’ll need supplies. Then he’ll move as far as he can and find a place to hole up until nightfall.” Dean sighed. “Dammit, Sammy! Where in the hell areyou?”

At that moment, Sam was, just as Dean suspected, running. With only the scrubs from the hospital, he really was starting from scratch. For a few miles he’d stuck to the tree line, just like his brother had known he had. But he needed to put as many miles as he could away from the hunters he’d killed. Any other hunter could put two and two together and figure out Sam Winchester just wouldn’t stay dead.

He needed a plan, and fast. But first, get out of town. And to do that he had to find some clothes that didn’t make him look like the escapee he was and some wheels.

For a moment, Sam allowed himself to slow down. But with the ability to breathe came the ability to think. The next breath wouldn’t come, and the tall hunter almost collapsed.

He was screwed. He was screwed and alone. Most hunters were more interested in killing him or using him for the demonic powers before this. Before he’d killed two human hunters in cold blood. Now they’d all be gunning for him. But Dean was safe, and if he had to be killed by every hunter out there, it was worth it to Sam.

Dean.

His throat tightened and for a moment he didn’t know if he couldn’t breathe because he couldn’t or because he didn’t want to. He’d known he was on what amounted to double probation with his brother, and Sam had done everything he could to try to gain some of the trust back. He’d allowed Dean to call the shots- not that he trusted his own judgment these days anyway. Wanting nothing more then to find his way back to his brother. And he’d made some progress. They’d actually had a few moments where Dean had almost looked happy to be in the room with him. Together because they wanted to be, not out of some distant future Dean saw where Sam, as Lucifer, had destroyed the world.

But, as it had been since Sam was six months old, anything good had to go south. Zach, knowing how fragile their truce was, had managed to play on every fear Dean had concerning his little brother.

Dean was done. Not that Sam blamed him, but what really hurt the younger Winchester was that out of all the things Sam had done, the one that had ended things between them was actually not his fault. Yes, Walt and Roy had shot them because of him, but it was heaven that had broken Dean. And Sam had actually been as much a victim as his brother, for once.

But it had happened and Dean was done with him. Funny. The only one in Sam’s corner was the one that would bring every rumor and prophecy regarding him to reality. At moments like this, Sam terrified himself. For almost half a second, which was actually half a second too long, Sam almost craved the soft words of acceptance. Even if it was from the Devil himself.

Shaking his head to clear it, Sam began to move. The longer he stood here thinking, the more danger the world was in.

  
[ Chapter 5c ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14130.html)   



	12. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 5c

[Chapter 5b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13872.html)

After skirting the woods for several hours, Dean had to admit defeat. His little brother was in the wind. At Bobby’s insistence, they had gotten a hotel room and ordered dinner. With a promise to continue to try to find Sam, Cass vanished.

“I know Cass is a pretty good bet to find Sam, but what are your thoughts on it? You’ve got to have some idea where your brother would run.”

Shaking his head, Dean sighed. “Bobby, I always thought I knew that kid better then he knew himself. But now?”

“He’s still your brother-“

“I know that!” the younger hunter’s tone was sharp. “But there’s always been something for him to run to. This time? He’s alone. And yes, I know more than anything it’s my fault-“

“Not your fault, kid. You’ve both been played so many times you can’t even find the game board.”

“Beside the point. Hunters, demons, and fucking angels are on his ass. That…. The fire…. I know why he did it. Hell I was headed that way to do the same thing. But it was messy. Won’t take a genius to figure out what happened. Won’t take other hunters long to figure out Sam’s back from…….”

“Okay. Start there.” Bobby knew he had to get Dean’s mind moving away from the grisly image of Sam’s burning. Was going to be fodder for his own nightmares for a while. “You’re right. He’s alone. Hunters will be out for his blood in hoards. Demons want him for their Daddy. Half the angels want him dead. The other half want to put him a pretty bow for their fallen brother. He’s smart. Scary smart. Angelic and Demonic powers not withstanding I’d say he’s smarter than most of them. What will he do?” The look on Dean’s face nearly broke the older man’s heart. “We need your head in this, Dean. SAM needs your head in this. What will your brother do?”

“Run.” Dean stood and began to pace. The familiar mask of what Dean called hunting mode took over his face. “Get as far from here as fast as he can. Go to ground. Regroup.” He turned to Bobby. “Stolen cars. He’ll look for clothes, transportation, money, weapons, maybe a laptop.” Opening the laptop, he felt another pang of guilt over taking it with him. But it was pointless. “Dammit!” No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking.

“Stop.” Bobby pulled the laptop towards him. “Get yourself together. I’ll check for any petty thefts in the area while you shower.”

By the time the Winchester had finished the fasted shower in his life, Bobby had a list of incidents from the police database. “You were right. A few sidewalk sales reported some petty thefts. The clothes might have been Sam. The only vehicle taken was a ten year old motorcycle.”

“Sammy’s on a bike?” Now Dean was surprised. “Never knew he’d driven one.”

“He’s traveling light. And fast.”

“You mean no weapons. Can’t haul any real firepower on a freakin’ bike.”

“No reports of any weapons stolen-“

“Won’t be.” Dean shook his head. “Sam’s smart, remember? He won’t steal guns off someone who’d report it. He’d hit a drug dealer, someone who has more to lose by going to the cops.”

Agreeing, Bobby continued to scan for other flags that might be the missing hunter. “Not seeing anything else that jumps out at me.”

“Great. So what’s next? I mean, pat me on the fucking back. I was right he’d haul ass. But what direction?”

The question hung unanswered.

Sam drove until his eyes were blurring and he was almost wobbling on the bike. He’d driven for over ten hours only stopping for gas. He couldn’t seem to come up with any kind of plan besides getting past the next mile. He knew he had to stop, at least for a couple of hours. Finally he found a development that looked like it was in the process of going downhill. Picking a house with two foot tall grass and an abandoned look to it, the tall hunter pulled the bike around the back. Popping the sliding glass doors off the track, he entered the house. Once inside, Sam’s energy finally depleted. He was closer to unconscious than asleep before he hit the ground.

“Why don’t you stop fighting, Sam?” Lucifer’s voice was soft as he stood in front of Sam.

Apparently sleep was no longer going to be an option.

“You risked everything to save Dean, and yet he still rejects you.”

“I didn’t do it so he’d be grateful. I did it so he’d be alive. Why didn’t I wake up with you? You said you’d know where I was.”

“I promised to never lie to you. Or hurt you. I told you I’d know where you were because it was true. I didn’t have you brought to me yet because I would have to hurt you.”

“So why now?”

Lucifer smiled and it made the hunter’s blood run cold. “Because you’re hurting. And I can help.”

“Yeah, you’re here to help. Because you want my help to destroy the world.”

“Not destroy, Sam. Save.”

The only reply Lucifer got was a sarcastic scoff.

“Never lie, remember?” The father of all demons approached his vessel smiling. “I could take care of you. After everything you’ve been through haven’t you had enough? Haven’t you suffered enough? You burned to death, Sam. Fire. The one thing that I know terrifies you.”

Gritting his teeth, Sam pushed the memories of heat and searing pain out of his mind.

Seemingly oblivious, the soft voice continued. “If other hunters or angels find you they will hurt you. You know that. They know you can’t be killed and they will take great pleasure in hurting you because of what they perceive you to be.”

“Because they know I’m a monster.”

“Not a monster, Sam. Or a freak, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with you. I don’t know how to convince you after so many years of everyone telling you different.”

As much as he knew how wrong it was, Sam found himself desperately wanting to cling to Lucifer’s words.

“That’s right, Sam. Your brother believes you are a monster. He called you a blood sucking freak. He couldn’t be more wrong about you.”

Tears flooded his eyes, and Sam tried to will himself awake. The last thing his battered psyche needed was for Lucifer to stand there, saying all the things he’d kill to hear from his brother. A soft laugh almost escaped his lips. Wasn’t that thought ironic. He HAD killed for Dean. But he wouldn’t hear words of understanding or condemnation from him ever again. “Wake up, God Dammit, Wake up!” Almost whimpering to himself, Sam fought it. The gentle words in his ear were everything he did want. From anyone except Lucifer. But it almost felt good to hear them. That scared the hell out of the young hunter. “Leave me alone.”

“What are you going to do? You can keep running. When it all becomes too much for you, I will save you.” He actually smiled at Sam. “As long as he says no to my brother, I’ll even spare Dean. I’ll make sure he is protected and safe. As well as that other hunter you refer to in your heart as your father.”

A pang of sadness ran through Sam at the thought of Bobby. He hadn’t turned on Sam. Even after everything he’d still opened his door to the bringer of the apocalypse. But, when push came to shove, the demon’s words in Bobby’s meat suit came back to Sam. Sometime demons tell the truth. He had to wonder if this was a case of Bobby hiding what he felt. Shaking his head, Sam tried to banish that thought from his head. Either way, Dean was Bobby’s favorite, just like he was their real father’s. Not that Sam would begrudge his brother that. Dean needed Bobby and Sam wasn’t about to interfere with that.

“You leave Bobby out of this. He has nothing to do with any of this.”

“Of course, Sam. And I can feel how much you love the man. Even though he favors your brother. Just like everyone else.”

Shit. Trying to clear his mind, Sam deliberately turned his back on Lucifer.  
  
[Chapter 6a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14490.html)


	13. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.

  
[ ** Dreams and Desperation  ** ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html)   


  
Artist Name: http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/  
Lind to artwork: [Art](http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/182003.html)  
Genre SPN Gen  
Rating: R  
Pairing: N/A  
Word Count: 21,512  
Warnings: Major Character Death- not permanent  
  
Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.  
The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a [path](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html#) of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late.   


Even though Cass had called first, Dean was startled with the angel appeared. Quickly recovering, he moved closer. “Anything?”

“No. I’m sorry, Dean.”

“So why are you here?”

“The fact that I found no sign of him is not entirely a bad thing.”

“Sure, Cass. The fact that my kid brother is running from everyone and everything and I can’t find him is a good thing. Why don’t you tell me why that’s such a fucking good thing”

The angel’s voice stayed even. “The fact that there is no sign of him means that he is most likely still running. At least from the angels. And it means that Lucifer has not secured him as his vessel.”

“Yeah. There is that.” Dean’s tone was sarcastic, but Bobby interrupted him.

“That IS good news, you idjit. If the angels don’t have him, and Lucifer ain’t wearin’ him, it means he’s still out there and we got a chance to find him!”

“So where the hell is he?!”

Pulling out his phone, the older hunter sighed. “I’ll touch base with Rufus and see if he’s heard anything.”

Cass turned to Dean. “I am truly sorry I was unable to find him.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off the headache he felt coming on, Dean flopped on the bed. “Not your fault, Cass. I was the one that kicked the shit out of him and abandoned him.”

“We will find your brother. I have no doubt he will forgive you.”

“You didn’t see what I did to him.” The hunter’s voice broke and he struggled to control his emotions.

“He prayed to God his entire life. Even after he’d discovered he’d been sold to a demon before his birth by his mother. He continued to pray even as demons pursued him to be their leader. When everyone he’s ever loved has died and left him-“

“I know the story of his fucking life, god Dammit! Get to the point!”

“My point is that even after I refused him and allowed Uriel to threaten him, even after he realized that we had all condemned him because he was tainted as a baby, he continued to fight at my side. In order to stand at yours. He will forgive anything that has happened between you. We just need to find him.”

“Before it’s too late.”

“Even now he fights the destiny laid out for him. Most humans would have already given in to Lucifer’s coercion. I believe it is out of loyalty to you rather than any sense of self-preservation Sam might have.”

For a long moment, Dean considered the angels words. Sam had lost any sense of self-preservation a long time ago. It was yet another thing the brothers didn’t talk about. Ever. Even when Sam had asked Cass if Anna’s idea to destroy him would work. Dean had ignored the warning bells that rang in his head.But now that alarm was screaming. A chill ran up the man’s spine as Bobby entered the room shaking his head.

Turning to the angel, the Winchester took a deep breath. “Cass, is there anything… anyone…. That really could….” He struggled to get the words out. “Kill him? I mean permanently.”

“I don’t believe so, but I can find out.”

After the angel vanished, Bobby stared at the younger man. “You thinking the kid would go that route?” He was afraid it was time for him to confess his suspicions.

“Cass just reminded me that Sam’s only been fighting as long as he has because of me. So yeah, if he thinks I’ve wiped my hands of him for good?” The image of Sam in that white suit assaulted him. “He won’t say yes. But if he thinks there might be a way to eliminate the threat?”

“Meaning himself.” Bobby caught on to Dean’s train of thought.

“He’ll try to find a way to…….” There was no way the rest of that was going to make it past the lump in Dean’s throat.

“Is there a way? I mean, Walt and Roy did kill both of you. Sam killed them along with himself. And…” Looking at the shattered man before him, he took a deep breath. “And I gotta tell you, Dean, I think he had tried before that.”

“What?” Furious, Dean turned to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I wasn’t sure there was something to tell you about. And you seemed to be getting things back on track between you.”

“Tell me. Now.”

“Nothing particular. Just a feeling I got when he told me about the hunters in Oklahoma and Lucifer showing up. He was too sure that he wouldn’t stay dead. I got the feeling he’d tested the theory.”

“After I told him to pick a hemisphere? And another group of assholes had kicked his ass?”

“I don’t know. I’m just telling you the feeling I’d picked up on from the kid.” He was pretty sure it was after Sam’s hysterical phone call to Dean, but he wouldn’t add that load to the already guilt ridden man in front of him.

“He never mentioned that, you know. If you hadn’t told me what they did to him in Oklahoma I’d never know.”

“Why would he? It was over, Dean.”

“Because there was a time Sam would have told me. He would have known I would have gone after them and kicked the ever-loving shit out of all of them. For him. Hell, Bobby, for all I know he thinks I thought they shouldhave kicked his ass.”

“Stop it. Now. It’s time for the last stop and everybody off the pity party. We need to move. Somewhere. Any direction. Grab your shit and let’s go find your brother.”

[Chapter 6b ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14795.html)


	14. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 6b

[Chapter 6a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14490.html)

Sam woke up with a scream. His entire body was covered with sweat and his heart was pounding. Lucifer was convinced that Sam was going to say yes eventually. And every time he appeared to Sam, the hunter was less and less sure he was wrong. All he was doing was running. And sooner or later, he’d be forced to stop.

What he needed was a plan. And some serious power to back it up. Not that he had anyone on his side with power. Or even no power for that matter. Not for the first time he was glad he had no phone. He desperately wanted to call his brother. But even if Dean would talk to him, there was no way in hell he was going to bring this kind of trouble to him again. Everyone else was either dead or Sam didn’t know which team they were going to play for. He couldn’t risk it.

An idea occurred to him. He didn’t hold out much hope, but it might be worth a shot. For a moment, he actually thought about calling Bobby. Stopping mid-thought, he shook his head. Not getting Bobby hurt more than he was because of them already.

Starting the bike, Sam put more distance between himself and anyone looking for him. He decided to try a medium size city that might have a library that would have what he needed.

It ended up taking him most of the day, but he had everything he thought he needed. A librarian who had stared at him strangely even as she answered his questions and brought him the texts he was looking for. A health shop and a Wiccan owned herb store had provided most of the other ingredients. He wasn’t going ghetto on this one. It was too important.

Just before the sun came up, he finally had it all together. Finding a warehouse that stood in an abandoned commercial district, Sam got everything ready. A few sigils and some words of latin as he mixed the ingredients before he took a deep breath and threw the match in, finishing the incantation.

He didn’t have to wait long.

Crowley glared at Sam. “Oh great. Now what?”

“I have a question for you.”

“Look, you demon-killing-knife-happy giraffe, whatever your game is, I’m not playing.”

“No game, Crowley.” Holding out his hands, Sam gestured for Crowley to look around the warehouse. “No devil’s traps, no demon killing knife. Just me and a question.”

“Ask it quick. I have a reputation to protect.”

“Crowley,” Sam nearly growled the words at the demon. “you have a reputation for being a lying dick who doesn’t care who gets sacrificed to getyou what you want.”

“Andyou’re the smart one? If that’s true I’m amazed your brother manages to zip his own trousers in the morning. Hello? Demon? Not giving a shit how I get what I want IS the bloody job description.”

“Fine! Lets’ go with that. You want Lucifer stopped, right?”

“The vessel calling his future rider by name is a great way to bring it down on both of us! Really, is that overgrown head of yours good for ANYTHING but holding that mop of hair? Not sticking around to see him-“

“Wait, Crowley!”

“What?”

“Can you end this?”

“End what?”

“End me.” There was no hesitation in Sam’s voice.

“End you? You mean kill you? And have your big brother make me wish I was back on the rack? Not going along with that.”

“No big brother, Crowley. Dean’s not coming. I need to know if you can break Lucifer’s no permanent death rule.”

That stopped the crossroads demon. “You serious? You want to let me try to put an end to you for real?”

“Can. You. Do. It.” The hunter tried to control his temper, but his tone told Crowley he was serious.

“Let’s find out.” Before Sam had a chance to change his mind, Crowley was on him.

Pain.

Pain and fire. Sam’s entire body was on fire. Again. But the last time had only lasted a few long seconds before he was mercifully rendered unconscious. This didn’t stop. Falling to his knees, Sam reached forthe demon standing over him. He wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but the pain actually increased. Thinking that maybe this was going to work, Sam’s eyes rolled back in his head and he fell to the ground.

East. That’s what Dean’s gut told him. So they’d driven all day. No words outside of what to eat for lunch and when to stop for gas were spoken between the hunters. When the road started to merge into a blur in Dean’s eyes, and Bobby was starting to really ache, they finally got a hotel room.

Grabbing the bag of burned weapons that had been sorted from the rest of the evidence, Dean answered Bobby’s stare with a shrug. “May as well clean up the weapons and see what’s salvageable. They’re starting to stink up the car.”

“Not sure any of them are going to survive.”

“We’ll see.” He dumped them on the bed, eyeing them critically. “Smith & Wesson, and the Beretta will survive. Taurus is going to take a hell of a lot of polishing.”

“You two and your pretty silver plating.” Bobby teased Dean lightly. “We’ll get them cleaned up and working. That Glock might be worth saving.”

Picking up a Glock that hadn’t belonged to Sam, the younger hunter realized it had belonged to Walt or Roy. Checking the clip, he counted four bullets. It was a nice gun, and they could never have too many of them. Sitting down, he started with stripping the gun down. Before he could even pull the sight, another thought occurred to him. Dropping it, he ran into the bathroom and fell to his knees.

The sound of Dean retching worried Bobby. Neither of them had eaten and he needed the young hunter fully functional for find the even younger one. “Dean?”

“Gimme a sec.”

Maneuvering close to the door, Bobby tossed a bottle of water in for Dean.

“Those guns, Bobby. Those fucking guns!” A few more dry heaves and Dean was panting. “I’m cleaning up a gun that someone used to shoot my brother!”

Bobby’s eyes traveled to the Glock on the table. Suddenly angry at the guns like they’d had something to do with it, he shoved them in a bag to dispose of. Those guns had put bullets in his boy. Fighting to not join Dean in the bathroom, he took a deep breath and tried to quiet his own stomach.

“Most of the clip, Bobby. How many of those bullets were in Sammy?” Dean’s voice was strained, the wall collapsing quickly. “Was he bleeding to death? Was there a fucking bullet in his fucking heart when he decided to set the fire?” His voice finally completely broke. “Did my kid brother know he was dying and decided to burn himself to death to stop them from getting away?” A crash echoed through the room. “FUCK!” Another crash that could only be Dean pounding at the mirror in the bathroom.

Fighting tears himself, Bobby just shook his head. The thought of Sam having been shot so many times he was dying before he dropped a match and started an inferno was too much for him. He was already on the edge, but the sound of Dean completely losing all control was too much for Bobby. A few tears slid down the hunter’s face. These boys had been through so much. Too much. How many fucking hits were they supposed to take?

Cass appeared in the room, startling Bobby. “What the hell?”

“I have news of Sam.”

“What?!” Dean exited the bathroom, looking every bit as bad as he felt.

“Are you-“

“Sammy, Cass. Now!”

“He is apparently with Crowley.”

“What? That son of a bitch! What the fuck does he want with Sam?”

“It seems that Sam went to Crowley. I have a demon restrained to question, but I wanted to get you and Bobby first.”

“Where?” Bobby wiped his face and stared at the angel.

“Roughly two hundred and fifty miles from here.”

“You check that devil’s trap this time?” Bobby’s voice was gruff. He still remembered the results of the last time Cass had supposedly restrained a demon.

“Yes. There are no others around to tamper with it.” Cass’s voice was even. “He is a high ranking demon and should have more detailed information. Should I take you or would you prefer to drive?”

“We’ll need the car. Demons means weapons. Let’s go.” Wiping his face with a wet washcloth, Dean grabbed Sam’s guns and headed for the Impala.

Cass watched him leave the room and turned to Bobby. “are the two of you all right?”

“No, Cass. We’re not. Sam’s out there and we’re worried about him.”

Once they were all in the car, Dean eyed the angel in the rear view mirror. “So what does Sam want with Crowley?”

“I’m not sure. I’m hoping the demon I secured will be able to tell us.”

Bobby had a feeling Dean was thinking the same thing, but he had to know. “Can Crowley….. shit I don’t even want to think this, but….” He took a deep breath. “Cass, can Crowley kill Sam? Beyond Lucifer’s ability to resurrect him?”

If Bobby didn’t know better, he would swear he saw worry on the angels’ face. “I don’t know. Would Sam go to him for that?”

“You the one that told me he’s only fighting because of me. I took myself out of the equation when I threw him to the wolves. Now can he do it?!”

“I honestly don’t know, Dean. When we get to the demon-“

The car swerved and came to an abrupt stop. “Fuck it. If Crowley can find a way to get rid of Sam, we have to find him first. Take us to the demon, Cass. NOW.”

  
[ Chapter 6c ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/15024.html)   



	15. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 6c

[Chapter 6b ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14795.html)

Opening his eyes, Sam sat up and looked around. The disorientation fled the moment he saw Crowley sitting in a chair staring at him.

“Guess it didn’t work.”

“Didn’t really think it would. But passing on a free shot at a Winchester? Not bloody likely.”

“Hurt like hell.”

“No, actually it didn’t.” Crowley smiled. “But the pain was the really fun part.”

Sam shot a glare at the smiling demon. “So you’re useless, too.” Before the smug bastard could answer, the hunter stood. “Been a demon for how many centuries now? Doesn’t seem to be much good for anything.”

“Now you hold on, you stupid moose! I know demons. I know all the tricks of the trade, so to speak. But we’re not talking about a demon are we? We’re talking about a bloody arch angel. An angel who has been one of the most powerful angels for millennia. The only thing I know of stronger than him is his arrogant big brother that kicked him to the fucking heavenly curb and locked him in the cage.” The demon’s anger turned to a sarcastic smile. “Kind of like your big brother, huh.”

“Leave Dean out of this.”

“You think I’m the stupid one here? Didn’t take long to figure out what’s happened between the two of you. You’re standing there, all ten and half feet of ‘kill me now’ and no big brother around to give the me the ‘touch him and die’ rubbish? Please. Big brother cut you loose and now you’re ready to call it quits. Or is that it? Dean didn’t have the stones to put you down when he actually could, so you need me to do it?”

Losing what was left of his temper, Sam crossed the floor to stand close enough to Crowley to tower over him. “You say his name one more time and I’ll be the one to make you wish you were back on the rack. And this has been a waste of my fucking time because you can’t do it.” To emphasize his point, Sam poked the demon in the chest. “You just don’t have the power.”

With a flick of his wrist, Crowley sent Sam flying into a nearby pillar. “Don’t you presume to know anything. You came to me, remember?” He let the hunter fall to the ground.

Silently cataloging the bruises he was sure he’d have shortly, Sam stood. “Yeah. I came to you. This is the bottom line, Crowley. He’s going to wear me down. Sooner or later I’m going to cave, and you don’t want that anymore then I do. So what the fuck can you do?”

“Tell me something, why isn’t he here? You’re managing to hide from him somehow. Don’t believe he’s the giant fucking cat playing with a mouse. He doesn’t know where you are.”

“Sigils.” Sam gestured towards his own chest. “Carved into my ribs to hide me from angels. Including him.”

“Smart. Could have mentioned ‘don’t break the ribs or we’ll have an extra guest’. Who came up with that? Sure as hell wasn’t you or your-“

“Another angel. Leave it at that.”

“Oh, Dean’s little winged boyfriend, Castiel, right? Guess he’d help you if it would keep him in Dean’s good graces.”

“I’m waiting, Crowley. If you don’t have an suggestion, just get the fuck out of here.”

“No idea why I’m even interested in your situation-“

Now the hunter laughed. “You were the one that admitted if Lucifer gets me, you’re life expectancy drops to nothing. So you’re just as invested in this as I am. I can hide from him. But he gets to me in my dreams. Anything you can do about that?”

“I could shoot you in the head every night.”

For a brief second, Sam glared at him. But then he realized that when he was dead, Lucifer was no where to be found. Shrugging, the hunter met the demon’s eyes.“I’ll get back to you on that.”

“You are at the bloody end of your rope, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question. “You really are on the edge of bringing about the end of everything.”

“Got an idea?” Crowley seemed to be finally taking his words seriously.

“I might. I could always take you home, so to speak.”

“Hell?” When Crowley nodded, Sam shook his head. “If I’m wrong, I’m sure you’ll correct me. But seems to me that hell is full of demons, right? And your supporters seems to be…” Gesturing around him to prove a point, he almost laughed. “well, even fewer than mine. So how do you think trying to hide me in the middle of the entire population that wants both of our asses going to work?”

“I actually thought I’d get a ‘fuck you’ with a graphic to go along with it.” Sitting back down, the demon shrugged. “There’s different levels, so to speak if you really want to consider it.”

“I’ve been told by, well, let’s say people that know what they’re talking about, that I’ve been headed for hell since I was six months old. So if I thought it would work?” Sam sighed. “Not really a lot to lose, here. But I’m not convinced it won’t just expedite the whole caving thing.”

“Could give you brain damage. Drop those IQ points by a hundred.”

“Yeah, and then I won’t know I’m saying yes. And you call me stupid.” Rolling his eyes, the hunter started to pack up his supplies. “You got nothing, Crowley. Not sure why I thoughtyou would.”

“Now, just hold on, no sense in just running off to accept the invitation, so to speak.” When the hunter stopped, he stood. “I might be able to block your subconscious. Won’t be long, just maybe a few hours at a clip.”

“Enough for me to get some sleep when I have to?”

“Just call me your own personal bed buddy. I’ll slide in right next to that gigantic body and keep the big baddies away from your dreams. Might want a bit in return, though.”

“Because my soul is in such high demand.”

“Your soul? Sorry, forgot, not as smart as you think you are.” With the most nauseatingly lecherous grin Sam had ever seen, the demon backed him into the pillar. “Maybe I’m wondering how truly proportional you are.”

“Like I’d show you. Get a grip, Crowley.” He tried to push the demon away, but an iron hard arm held him by the chest.

“You get a grip, Winchester. You called me to your party. I’m sure it really hurt whatever passes for your ego these days, but You. Need. Me. And that puts your balls, figuratively and literally, in my court. So whatever my price, be it your grimy soul, your oversized dick, or that tight ass you’ve got, you’ll bloody well pay it!”

“You don’t even know if you can do it!” Anger, Sam’s default emotion these days, took over. His voice rose to match the demon’s.

“Let’s find out, shall we?”

Before Sam could figure out what Crowley was talking about the demon’s hand touched the side of his head and blackness claimed the hunter.

Bobby was actually more surprised than he wanted to be when he saw the Devil’s Trap was still intact. He figured he’d never get over what Allistair had done to Dean. Not to mention what Sam had to do save his brother and the angel.

When they appeared, the demon glared at them from the chair he was tied to in the center of the circle. “My father is going to be pissed! He’s gonna-“

“Yeah yeah, I’ve heard the infomercial.” Dean stepped to the edge of the trap. “So let’s skip to the new episode. You know where Crowley has Sam?”

“Crowley’s days are numbered. He dared to take the vessel. And Lucifer will find them. I’m not about to tell you where they are.”

Glancing at Cass, the hunter decided it was time to stop chasing their tails. “We have to worry about anybody in there?”

Cass shook his head. “The host is not going to survive. No matter what you do.”

“Makes my job easier.” Pulling a flask out of his pocket, he poured the holy water over Ruby’s knife. “Let’s start simple.” A long line down one arm had blood flowing and the demon screaming. “I’m not really patient, so we’re not going to take this very slow. You tell me whenyou’ve had enough and want to get chatty.”

Bobby had only heard about what Dean had done to Alistair, but he realized quickly that it was nothing compared to what the younger man was about to unleash on the demon in front of them.

Another swipe with the knife to the chest. This time followed by salt. “Might have to send you back to the car for more, Cass. But until I hear something besides screaming out of him, I’m not done.”

“You son of a bitch! I swear, when we get you back in hell, you-“

“When I get back to hell, when you get out of the trap, when Michael’s cramming himself up my ass, yeah, I’ve heard it all. Not going to happen. The only thing that’s going to happen here is you’re going to talk before I send you back to Daddy in a big fucking red ribbon.”

The demon was panting, but he shook his head. “Lucifer will destroy me-“

“You need to be afraid of me right now.” Dean threw a few punches. The only thing it did was snap the demon’s head back, but it felt good. Finally being able to do something to find Sam felt good. It was time to bring his brother home. Digging through the bag he’d brought with him, Dean retrieved the shotgun and placed it against the knee.

“Rock salt. Gonna hurt like a bitch.”

“Screw you.”

The shotgun blast echoed, but not as loud as the demon’s screams. Eyeing the ruined kneecap, the hunter followed it with holy water and more salt.

The look on Dean’s face actually scared Bobby. He knew how bad of a place Dean was in after the run in with Alistair. This was the look of a true torturer.

Knowing just where to cut, how to place the salt to get the most effect, Dean was nothing if not efficient. The demon was screaming to the point of crying now, every cut on fire and Dean showing no sign of stopping.

Cass seemed to be observing the hunter, waiting for something. Before Bobby could ask what, the angel reached out and took Dean’s arm. “Enough.”

Crossing the room, Cass stood in front of the demon. “Where does Crowley have Sam Winchester?”

“I can’t give the vessel back to his brother.”

“Why is that? Why does Lucifer care where Sam is? Isn’t he convinced Sam’s going to say yes regardless?” Now Bobby was curious.

“Because he couldn’t sway the vessel with the other Winchester around. But when he’s alone?” The demon stared at Dean. “No one to whisper in his ear except our Father. Everyone else has turned their backs on him. With no one to care if he lives or dies he will allow himself to be saved by Lucifer. And we will all be saved.”

A stab of guilt ran through Dean and he reacted by punching the demon again. “Last chance. No promises. Where. Is. My. Brother.” He shoved the salt and holy water coated knife in again to make his point.

The demon shrieked. “Okay, okay. But promise me something.”

“I’m over my quota with deals with demons.” Dean shook his head. “No deal.”

“I’ll tell you, but you kill me after.” He was still struggling to catch his breath. “I’d rather take that knife then Lucifer when he finds out I gave the vessel back to you.”

“Talk.”

The demon stared at them.

Shrugging, Dean moved closer. “I can keep this up all night or I can let my friend Cass here give you a taste of God’s salvation.” Just as Cass reached out to touch him, he shook his head.

“Fine. He’s holed up in some abandoned mansion. Not sure where but I know where the neighborhood is.”

After the demon had given them everything he knew, Dean allowed Cass to destroy him. Checking his duffle, he turned to the angel. “Quick stop at the Impala to restock, then we go get my brother.” He turned to Bobby. “I’m not sure you should go along for this, Bobby.”

“I’m pretty fucking useless, I know that, Dean.”

“Bobby-“

“Don’t. Just have Cass drop me at a hotel near the Impala and go get the boy. The sooner you get there the faster we get him home.”

It wasn’t twenty minutes later Dean and Cass stood outside where they hoped Crowley was holed up with Sam.

Pointing to the wall around the house, Cass looked at Dean. “Enochian.”

“Let me guess. No angels allowed.”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell how many demons I’m facing?”

“I don’t sense a strong presence besides Crowley. He might be alone.”

“Good. I’m going to line the other exits with Salt. You stand here and catch anything that tries to escape.” Before Cass could agree or disagree, Dean was gone.

  
[Chapter 7](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/15303.html)


	16. Dreams and Desperation Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.

[ ** Dreams and Desperation  ** ](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html)

  
Artist Name: http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/  
Lind to artwork: [Art](http://adrenalineshots.livejournal.com/182003.html)  
Genre SPN Gen  
Rating: R  
Pairing: N/A  
Word Count: 21,512  
Warnings: Major Character Death- not permanent  
  
Summary: When Dean threw the amulet away, it destroyed both of them.  
The orchestrated trip to Heaven did far more damage than either angels or demons anticipated. Further misunderstandings, hurt, and anger drives them apart. Sam is led down a [path](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11107.html#) of revenge, fire, and a desperate plea to an unlikely source. Dean is hell bent on revenge, but he is forced to realize that they have been played by masters that have had centuries to perfect their games. Now all he can think of is how to find his little brother before it’s too late.   
  
[Chapter 1](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11324.html)  
[Chapter 2a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11709.html)   
[Chapter2b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/11882.html)    
[Chapter 3a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12147.html)    
[Chapter3b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12376.html)     
[Chapter 3c](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/12906.html)    
[Chapter4a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13184.html)  
[Chapter 4b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13409.html)  
[Chapter 5a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13586.html)  
[Chapter 5b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/13872.html)  
[Chapter 5c](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14130.html)  
[Chapter 6a](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14490.html)  
[Chapter 6b](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14795.html)  
[Chapter 6c](http://jasmineisland.livejournal.com/14795.html)

Crowley watched the younger Winchester sleep. The spell wouldn’t last much longer, and he’d have to wake the hunter in order to keep Lucifer away. He’d moved them to his current hideout and currently Sam was stretched out on the bed peacefully.

A slight frown crossed the man’s face and the demon sat next to him. Even as he touched Sam’s head, he really looked at the hunter for the first time. A smile crossed his face as he thought of the truly depraved things he’d really like to do to the very well formed body in front of him. Maybe he really would call in a sexual favor or two in exchange for a few good night’s sleep.

“Get the fuck away from my brother!”

Covering his surprise well, Crowley stood. “Just decided how I’m going to collect my favor from the giraffe, here.”

“You’re not going to collect anything.” Holding the knife and a shotgun, Dean maneuvered himself closer to Crowley in an attempt to get between the demon and Sam.

“Relax, Winchester. He’s asleep. For the first time in a while, from the looks of him.”

“Asleep? What the fuck did you do to him?”

“Nothing he didn’t want me to.” Crowley shrugged. “Hence the favors he owes me.”

“You’re not getting his soul, you bastard.”

The demon surprised Dean by laughing. “Both ofyou- you really think his soul is worth all that? I’m not interested in that rancid thing.” Deliberately taunting the older Winchester, he traced his finger slowly down Sam’s arm. “I have much more…… intimate interests in your brother.”

“You touch him and-“

“I know. I know. You’ll make me wish I was back on the rack.” He slid into a southern accent effortlessly. “You’ll cut off my head and shit down my neck.” And an American Accent. “You’ll rip out my liver and _serve it up_ with some fava beans and a _nice_ chianti.”

“That does sound like a plan. Back up.” 

Holding up his hands, Crowley moved back and allowed the hunter to approach the bed. “Sam? Sammy? Come on, kiddo.” 

Opening his eyes, Sam jumped up and looked around. “Where the hell am I? Crowley?” His eyes found Dean. Now the tall hunter slid off the bed on the other side. “I’m asleep. God dammit, Crowley. You said you could stop him!” 

“Sam, it’s me. You’re not dreaming.” 

“I’m not going to fall for that. Why now? So why would you come to me like this?” Hysteria crept into his voice and he began to shake. “You promised to never hurt me. I mean, I know it was all bullshit, but why now?” 

“Sammy-“

“Don’t you call me that!” With his back to the wall, Sam put his hands over his face and slid to the floor. “You’re been killing me with kindness since everything went south. As much as I hate to hear it from you, as much as I hate myself for it, I almost started to need it. I don’t understand. You spend days telling me I’m not a monster and then you show up as the one person that I actually CARE knows what I am?” 

Moving to his brother, Dean kneeled down in front of him. “Sammy,” 

“I said stop it!” Swinging, Sam hit Dean before getting up and moving across the room. 

“Oh, bloody hell. This stopped being fun five minutes ago.” Crowley moved too fast for either Winchester to stop him. Gripping Sam by one shoulder, he slapped the hunter across the face. “You’re awake, you moose! That’s reallyyour big brother, and I’m really out of here.” Before he left the room he turned back to Sam. “Don’t forget you owe me. That was about twelve hours of Lucifer-free sleep you had there. Call me when you’re ready to pay up and get some more sleep.” 

“Cass’ll get him.” 

Sam was staring at Dean, his face showing that he still didn’t completely believe his brother was standing there. 

“Sammy?” 

“Why?” His voice was a whisper. 

“What?” 

“Why? Why are you here?” 

Wincing, Dean stepped closer to the younger man. “I….. Cass told me you were right. About everything Zach did. To both of us.” 

“Really?” 

“I know, you thought so all along. I just….”

“It’s okay, Dean. I get it.” 

“No, you don’t.” _Suck it up, Winchester, and tell him._ Taking a deep breath, Dean stared at his brother. “Sammy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I’m sorry I kicked your ass, and I’m sorry I left you to that bastard Lucifer.” 

Tears came to Sam’s eyes, but he met Dean’s stare. “It’s okay, really. I’m not exactly on anyone’s list for trust or-“

“It’s NOT okay. You get that? Jesus, you went to Crowley for help! I’m your brother, Sammy. I’m supposed to be the one that helps you.” He stepped closer to Sam. “I’m so god damned sorry for all of it.” 

Before he could say another word, he found himself crushed in Sam’s arms. For a moment the brothers held each other, both fighting tears. After a few minutes, Sam finally released his brother and stood back. “How did you-“

“Wasn’t easy. You’re getting better at covering your tracks.” Dean smiled. “But I’m still the big brother, here, kiddo. You can’t run far enough I won’t be able to find you.” 

“Cass helped, didn’t he.” Sam gave his brother a break. 

“You smug bastard.” Dean accepted it. For now. 

“I’ll take that as ayes.” 

Dean’s phone rang and he put it on speaker. “Cass?” 

“I have Crowley out here. He swears that Sam came to him and he did not harm him.” 

“He didn’t. I summoned him.” 

“Sam. It is good to hear your voice.” Crowley’s voice carried over the speaker. 

“Yes, it’s gigantor, alive, well, and in one piece. Now will you calloff the winged crusader?” 

“It’s okay, Cass. Let him go. AFTER he breaks those Enochian symbols so you can get it.” 

The line disconnected and Cass appeared beside the Winchesters. 

“Can’t harm Sam’s new boyfriend.” Dean was almost giddy, not that he would ever, in his life, admit he was giddy. His brother was back, unharmed, and he had enough ammo against the kid to last until retirement. 

Rolling his eyes, Sam shook his head. “Can’t say whatever he did didn’t work. He was right. I slept for about twelve hours.” 

“Worth a sexual favor or two?” 

“Can we get out of here? I REALLY need a shower now.” 

“I’ll take you to Bobby.” Cass touched them. 

When the Winchesters and Cass appeared in the motel room, Bobby moved his chair to Sam as fast as he could. “Get down here, ya idjit!” 

Even as he hugged his surrogate father, Sam had to ask. “What are you doing here? Ow!” Rubbing the spot Bobby smacked on the back of his head, Sam stood. “What was that for?” 

“Asking a stupid question. Your brother and I have been going out of our minds looking for you. We heard about Utah.” 

“Oh.” Sitting down on the bed, Sam stared at the two of them. “Sorry.” 

“We don’t want you to apologize, kid. We just want to know you’re alright.” 

“I’m better than I have been in a while, Bobby.” He shrugged. “So, what’s next?” 

“Next, we’re going to get the Impala, and head up to my place to regroup.” Bobby didn’t give either Winchester the chance to argue. “Now.” 

“Yes, sir.” Both boys answered him. 

Cass approached Sam. “I am glad you are unharmed.” 

“Thanks, Cass.” His voice cracked a bit. “Dean said you helped find me.” 

“Hey, Cass,” Dean interrupted the moment. “Crowley has some sort of mojo that can stop Lucifer from getting to Sam through his dreams. Can you find out what it is?” 

“I will try to find the demon again. You should have said something while I had him.” 

“Had to get Sammy away from him before he had to pay up.” A hand crossed the back of his head. “Ow.” 

“Asshole. Thanks, again, Cass. I hope you can figure out what kind of Mojo Crowley was using.” 

“Yeah, Sammy’d much rather owe you sexual favors.” 

“Will you shut the fuck up?” 

“Why would Sam owe me sexual favors? I would not be interested in sexual favors from him.” Cass was confused, but Dean was laughing so hard he was crying. 

“Nevermind, Cass. Long story. Let us know if you find anything.” Sam turned from the angel and found himself face to face with Bobby. 

“Not even asking.” 

“Thank you.” 

Dean wiped his eyes. “That’s just fucking funny.” Slapping Sam’s shoulder gently, he grabbed his keys. “I’ll go get my baby. You take a shower and I’ll bring in your bag.” 

“You got my bag?” 

“Got your bag, phone, guns. Don’t get your hopes up. YOU’RE cleaning them as soon as we get to Bobby’s.” 

“Fine.” He disappeared into the bathroom. 

Before Dean could go out the door, Bobby stopped him. “You’re going to sort everything out between you two, right?” 

“Yes.” 

“Not by acting like hyperactive teenagers, boy.” Bobby let Dean know that he’d picked right up on the mutual coping mechanism. “I mean really work it out, Dean. Not brush it under the rug-“

“No brushing under the rug, Bobby. Promise. That’s how we got here in the first place.” 

“Good. Go get your car.” 

The hot water felt so good, Sam didn’t want to get out. It sunk into his muscles and eased the tension he’d been feeling. His brother and Bobby were out there waiting for him, but he couldn’t bring himself to turn off the water until it started to run cold. 

Sam exited the bathroom in the sweats Dean had laid out for him. His duffel was on the bed, but Dean’s back was to him. 

“Where’s Bobby?” 

“He went to the diner at the end of the hotel.” Dean’s voice sounded strained, and it immediately scared the younger man. 

“Dean? What’s wrong?” 

When his brother turned to him, Sam’s throat constricted. He had found the amulet in the bottom of Sam’s duffel and was holding it. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t want it. I just…..” Tears came again and he tried to finish. “I couldn’t just….” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Confused, Sam stared at his brother. “I told you, it’s okay.” 

“It’s not okay. I fell for that son of a bitch Zach’s bullshit and you paid for it. I hurt you on purpose. When that wasn’t enough, I kicked the shit out of you.” Now Dean choked up. “I heard you at Crowley’s, Sammy. You accused Lucifer of trying to hurt you. That he’d been nice to you and you’d needed it. That’s on me.” 

“No, Dean, it’s not. None of this is on you. I did it. All of it.” 

Tryingto avoidmore of a chick flick moment then the one they were having, Dean approached his brother. “Look, if you want to keep this, I understand, but, if you…… I guess….” 

“You want it back?” His voice betrayed how shocked he was. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Now what are you sorry for?” 

“That you’re surprised that I came for you. That you’re surprised I care that the devil has been the only one to say one god damned nice word to you in way too long.” 

“Dean, it’s yours. Nothing’s changed for me since the day I gave it to you.” 

Smiling, Dean put the amulet back in its rightful place. Before he could even straighten it around his neck, he found his arms full of baby brother again. He started to say something sarcastic until he realized just how badly the kid was shaking. Instead he held on and let Sam cling for a few minutes. Finally Sam pulled back and wiped his eyes. “Thought you’d never speak to me again.” 

“I heard you’d burned to death, Sammy. You have any idea what that did to me?” 

“Sorry. I had no choice. They had the barbeque planned, but I couldn’t get out before I set it off.” 

“Because they shot you.” At Sam’s shocked expression, Dean continued. “Found their guns, too.” 

“Yeah, I had a few in me.” His voice was quiet. “I couldn’t run the risk of them finishing me before I got them.” 

“Jesus, Sammy.” He gripped the back of his brother’s neck. “No more. You hear me? I don’t give a shit if Lucifer can bring you back. No more dying on me, got it?” 

Now the younger brother was beaming he was smiling so hard. “What?”

“Nothing, just…. I never realized how much being called Sammy meant.” 

“You always hated it.” 

“From anyone but you, dumbass. But I didn’t realize how much I missed it.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean you haven’t called me Sammy in a couple of years, now. Guess dying does a few good things.” 

Dean punched his arm. “Fuck you.” He laughed. “Oh, wait, is that Crowley’s job now?”

“Hell, no.” 

“He wants you, baby brother.” 

“Thanks. Really don’t need that thought. Guess a few more days with no food won’t kill me. Oh, wait, it can’t, can it.” 

Spinning around, Dean almost punched his brother again. He gripped his bicep and squeezed hard enough to bruise. “No jokes about that.” 

“And joking about Crowley tapping my ass is okay?” 

“Of course. That’s funny.” When Sam flipped him the bird he laughed. 

A knock on the door stopped the light teasing from getting too serious. Bobby entered with bags of food hanging from the back of his chair. 

“I’m starving. Haven’t eaten in a while, either.” Sam reached for one of the bags while his brother grabbed the other. 

“Eat up. Both of you. Got a long ass drive tomorrow. Like to make it home, if we can.” 

“Yes, sir.” The dual answers made Bobby smile. It was time to take his boys home and take care of them for a while. 

End. 


End file.
